...mami can't do 'me' time...

In an effort to finish at least one project this fall, I've been tasking myself with editing and catolouging the thousands of photos I've taken this spring/summer/fall.
I'm burning through them at a pretty good rate...and even getting some posted here...backdated if need be, but posted nonetheless! :)

This morning I spent my breakfast...coffee in one hand, hunt-and-peck with the other...finishing up the pics from our weekend in PA. And found this winner:



(I reserve the right to pull this pic out of sheer humiliation at any point!)
Aaah...weekend hotel...comfy beds...relaxing whirlpool...STILL NOT RELAXED!?! Seriously, zoom in...see that expression on my face??? I vaguely remember having spent a solid 15 minutes in that tub...relaxing, enjoying, zoning. Proof, people, proof. Even in Mami-relaxation-mode, I am still totally focused, totally on guard and totally stressed.

Need this, STAT!

...childhood revisited...

This week I learned something new. I can add 'Back to School' night to the list of awkward single mom moments!

Need a reminder that you are out there doing it 'alone'? Aching to stick out like a sore thumb? Chomping at the bit to reiterate countless times that there's no dad or siblings?

Then by goodness sake, get yourself to the nearest 'Back to School' night, and have at it!!!

Ugh! :(

I can't remember, am I supposed feel ashamed or proud, broken or strong, victimized or warrior-like?

Q-"So, what does your husband do?"
A-"Drugs, other women, you name it...thanks for asking!"

...a little time to reconnect...

We're off to the Jersey Shore this weekend...and Mister Man is going to have a blast! Fresh caught crabs, a little dockside fishing, frenetic boardwalk rambling, and a stroll down memory lane in good old Beach Haven is on the to-do list.

...the first real let-go...

He's there, in that building just a few blocks down the street. And I'm here alternately frantic and teary-eyed, heart pounding, arms strangely empty feeling.
I've been rushing around scrubbing and washing and rinsing and folding...blasting my iPod to drown out thoughts.

The bus never came, so he ended up on another and I had to race down to make sure he actually was there. But not go in...just stand on the step and hear the confirmation, but not see for myself.

It's the next step...I know that. And there will be many more to come and they will ache just as this does. With every growth and change he makes, I will mourn what is past. I will rejoice in the achievement and the challenges and the changes...but I will mourn. Because I know what it felt like to be his whole world.
I've felt bits and pieces of this before...when the first diagnosis was made, when we went to the first speech therapy, when we went to the special needs preschool that first day...and once, for a whole week as I dealt with the first autism spectrum diagnosis and I thought I had lost something. Now I know better...I lost nothing...rather, that which was now had a name.

I'm fidgety on the inside...my stomach is roiling and my head is dizzy and pounding and silent all at the same time. I'm so very used to days that are full up of reaction...and now there is nothing to react to. My coffee cup has no danger of being tipped over onto the carpet. My lunch will not be picked at by sticky little fingers. The clean folded laundry will remain clean and folded...there will be no tent topped with skivvies in the livingroom.

And meanwhile I wonder...do they see the miracle? Do they know he needs so much but can give them even more? Will they help him with his lunch and keep him safe? Will his feeling be hurt? Will he be hurt?

Where is the book that will teach me how to be Mami from a distance?

...school days are a'comin...

This afternoon Mister Man and I entered the hallowed halls of education...and then we found the toys!

In just a week my ever-growing miracle will be off to Kindergarten...out of my safety net and into the great big sea of school. I'm petrified, terrified, wistful and desperate...and trying my damndest not to show it.

Today was the scheduled walk-through...a chance for Mister Man to greet his teacher, see his classroom and meet his classmates. We poked about in the library, signed up for email notifications and found a box of awesome blocks that link together.

Mister Man is ready to go back...provided that both 'pokey blocks' and legos are still in the classroom when he gets there!

Mister Man's Mami could not be less ready...

...bookworms and cuddlebugs...

Mister Man is into books.

In a big way.

Monday is library day...every week, no matter the weather.

This summer we both participated in reading challenges at the local library.
The librarians in the childrens' department were astonished when Mister Man reached the final goal of minutes within a month of having begun. Throughout the summer he won tickets to a Patriots game, three new books, and some arts'n'crafts supplies.
Meanwhile, the librarian at the front desk knows us by sight. And seems to not quite understand that part of her job is encouraging people to read more. She actually poked fun at me for how many books I check out each week...harumph! BTW...I average a book a day, thanks to my insomnia. At any rate, I also got prizes...a nice reusable library shopping bag and a few books.

How nice to be rewarded for something we do naturally. Not a common occurrence is it? Can you imagine if someone held a coffee drinking challenge? Billie and I could go head to head with anyone!

Reading is just the thing, as Mister Man gets older, to bring us right back to one on one. All curled up in a cozy spot with a pile of blankets and pillows and a tower of reading material...those are the moments I'll remember.

...a weekend away...

So much of the beginning of the week was colored by the impending anniversary and my desire and need to overshadow the negative with immensely positive activities and memories in the making, that I gave little time or thought to the weekend ahead.

We traveled early on Saturday to Pennsylvannia, cutting our trip into nice, neat pieces.

1)One of the highlights was our first destination, or moreso, the person who awaited us there...my sister, and Mister Man's beloved Tante. We met up at the King of Prussia mall...huge, immense, shop-tastic...and due to its overwhelming size so similiar in feeling to all the other places we've been able to meet up with her. I hold out hope nonetheless that someday, someway...we three will enjoy a cozy comforting visit. Crackling fire, vegan marshmallows and board games.

2)An all to brief visit later, and we were off to our hotel to enjoy the amenities that my first experience with Priceline had garnered us. Two pools and a whirlpool? Bliss! And in what has now become the summer of exponential achievement, Mister Man experimented with putting his whole face underwater! Mami pride!

3)A family dinner that night with relatives I hadn't seen in years, and whom Mister Man had never met before made for an interesting end to the day.

4)The following morning we packed our bags and headed out, determined to enjoy a touristy, vactioney morning.

5)And in the afternoon we went to a beautiful church for a beautiful service to lay my uncle to rest. Once again we were surrounded by people vaguely familiar to me and completely unfamiliar to my child.

...breathing easier...

Time for tangents:
Made it through yesterday...
Had some difficult moments...
Kept the tears at bay...
Resented intrusions...
Bought legos...
Received coffee...
Fell asleep wondering...

...stripped of power...

In the summer after my marriage ended, with our anniversary fast approaching I came up with an idea...instead of wallowing in misery on the day intended to celebrate what was now a failed marriage, I was going to celebrate it's existence in a new way. And so, our Family Anniversary Day was born. On August 19th every year since, we've celebrated because the wedding that day put into place the family that Mister Man and I are, today.

Every year I've taken that day off from work and made it all about fun. No phone calls, no emails, no interruptions...just pure, unadulterated fun and indulgence. In the past we've incorporated one-day travels, zoo trips, museums, farms and fabulous food. And every year I come up with one activity where Mister Man is doing something for me and I'm doing something for him.

This year everything is off...and odd...and different... Because of our transitory living situation, we're not just able to take off on our own for the day. So this year, no big celebration of us. Instead I'm making Mister Man's favorite foods...declaring it no home-schoolwork day and spending the afternoon outside. And in the evening we're heading to his favorite store, !?!Target!?!, and shopping on the sly for a $5 gift for each other.

In years past we sort of stuck with a theme for each day and planned accordingly. So I guess this one's theme is: creativity within a budget, time allowance and location.

Doesn't sound to fun, does it.
Particularly since I fear that's also the theme of my everyday life.
Ah well...

Here's to another year of our perfect, if tiny, family. Mister Man, you make it worth it! Love you oodles of noodles! :)

...humdinger...

This state breeds some of the most arrogant soccer moms around. Seen last night:
The Hummer in front of us...colour of money-green, with two bumper stickers on the back window:
"I already don't support the NEXT war"
"Simplify"

The topper? When it rolled into the parking lot, pulled into a handicapped spot and expelled a SHE of the Coach carrying, stilleto wearing, fresh-blown-out, $50,000 of plastic features variety.

Ummm...say what now???

...ways in which to confuse...

Remember when Mister Man started to read? I do! I do! :)
Well let's just say his appetite for reading material is increasing by the minute. From street signs to cereal boxes to salvage user manuals I just found while unpacking, he's gone full throttle reading machine! Awesome!
So we're now at the library twice a week...with two full bags! He's already finished the summer reading challenge and the pile of books in his little fort is increasing exponentially.
Okay, Mami-brag over! I swear!
The point of this post was to remind you of an old, dear, forgotten friend...

The kooky queen of literal confusion herself...Miss Amelia Bedelia!
I stumbled upon the collection at the Warren Public Library just the other day and HAD to bring them home. Mister Man and I spent a good hour curled up on the couch that night giggling away while Amelia 'steak'ed those beans and 'dust'ed that house!
He's hooked, I'm rehooked...and I'm seriously contemplating sending a few to my friend Katharina who is teaching English in Germany. Can't you just imagine her students' reactions to this crazy convoluted language we speak?!?

...BRILLIANT BOY...

If this ain't bragworthy I don't know what is...
J-Bug, brilliant boy, handsome Mister Man, and all around love of my life just READ!!!
Yuppers...two full-on sentences!
And no, we're not talking Easy Reader here...this was words...with syllables!
I was in the bathroom picking at my face (bad habit I know) and I heard him in the other room...ran out, made him read it again, and then had him read another one.
I think my heart might actually burst...there's this pride pressure rapidly expanding from the inside out...
We totally did the happy dance...full out...
And then called everyone and anyone and bragged!!!
We're totally getting Mister Man his own library card today!

...support (system) crash...

When's the last time you looked at your life...the day to day daily aspect of it...as a computer program? Not yesterday, last week, ever? Yeah.

Well let's look at mine that way for a moment. There's the preloaded software, right? The daily minutiae...sleep, wake, eat, dress, etc... And then there's all those fancy programs I uploaded: family, work, social life, etc... And then...then there's the viruses, and auto-loads, and lurking-in-the-shadow html: autism, homeschooling, single parenting, estrangement, dating, etc...

See where I'm going yet?

Programs fail. They crash. They auto-delete. They re-script themselves.

And sometimes, when that happens, you never get your original material back. Sometimes, when that happens, data is lost forever. Sometimes, when that happens, the future gets re-written.



I'm all for learning new things. And I think the one thing I need to learn pronto is how to write script into my program for a backup device. I need to create a support system. Because right now the two people that I can guarantee will answer my call no matter what the hour live 8 hours away.

...rain down on me...

The weather this spring has certainly done it's best to put a damper on any hopes of enjoying what I had hoped would be a beautiful east coast season. From the bone-chilling cold and damp to full on rain, it's been a soggy mess this year. And sadly, to often, my mood has matched the weather.
There have a lot of difficult adjustments, and it seems like the hits just keep on coming. I'm not really inclined to write to much in depth, especially in such a public forum. Suffice it to say, months after having left Ohio I don't feel I've made much progress. A lot of decisions I made could have been handled differently, and I'm second-guessing myself a great deal.
I have to keep looking forward, and sometimes that's so hard...the past and even the present seem to intrude and overwhelm.

...of fairies and fantasies...

What follows in photos is what happens when this Mami discovers her sons' first wiggly tooth.
Two weekends ago we three (myself, Mister Man and the Man of the Hour) went to Philly to visit my sister. Within moment of arriving (chaotic driving and parking situation) we discovered that Mister Man's bottom front teeth were wiggling and jiggling to beat the band. Horrors! Mami-flip-out-session ensued.
Sometime later when the dust settled and all was calm once more I realized this was going to require some'splainin' to the Mister Man.
The next day we hit up the library for some tooth-fairy literary-fodder and began yet another stage of growing up. Trust no child but the Mister Man to realize the danger and peril the poor tooth fairy must face when retrieving teeth from under pillows...suffocation, smooshing, and overall lack of good night's sleep! Now there's some situations in need of some rectification, no?
And we're all for the 'two birds/one stone' type of solution. So here you have it: a secure location for treasured teeth, a solid escape from downy plushness, and a safe location for a solid sleep...all in one!

First we built the frame...scrap wood comes in handy!

Then it was into the woods for a fairy's creature comforts.

Extreme Home Makeover got off to a good start with some green-friendly repurposing of scrap bark!

Last year's flower petals made for this year's gutter.

Nothing says home like a flower bud trim.

Moss roofs are all the rage: eco friendly and a great way to grow a rooftop garden!

Our fairy home complete with acorn cap dishes, a pinecone chandelier, a pillowcase made of one soft red leaf, and a seed pod lampstand for fairy's own lightning bug nightlight.

With the threat of rain it was necessary to bring the fairy home indoors, but thankfully she found it anyway...her trail of fairy dust led from the door straight to her home.

A near miss! Mami was to late to see the fairy herself, but the fairy dust on the bed makes me think she had a nice snooze in her new home!

And we think she appreciated the hard work we went to making a special box just for teeth!

The Mister Man is delighted to report that his teeth are apparently worth one silver dollar each!

...behind on the times...

So every day I've opened my blogger...it's true, I really have...scrolled down, and then exited. Not exactly full on avoidance, but more of a "I have a million and 10 excuses not to write anything today" kind of a thing. And then of course I see that people have continued to check in hopes of finding some worthwhile reading, only to be disappointed by ME yet again. Ugh...blogger guilt. Wonder if that's similiar to single mom guilt?
Today's the day though...today is the day I get caught up. Notice I said 'I' and not you...yup that's on purpose. Sure I'll spend the next half hour multitasking between monitoring my son's schoolwork, scrubbing down the shower and uploading photos. But I know full well I probably won't do all that great a job of actually filling in anyone on everything that's been going on. Which let's face it folks, I'm not exactly living my life to provide anyone else's entertainment anyway.
So, on to the photo share...

...back of the line...

Once again I've been on blog-neglect mode...with no good excuse for not writing of course. I realized something odd about my blogging though...it used to be that I used my blog as an outlet when things were troubling to me...lately (this last year or so) the exact opposite has come to be true, and I find I shut out even the blogging part of my world when I am wrestling with something personal. Hmmmm...maybe it's time to invest in a leather bound journal???
So of course I am way behind in picture posting...which I hope to get to either later today or tomorrow. I'm also way behind in introspective thought, window shopping, recipe seeking and creative thought...there, that just about covers all this blog is about, doesn't it?!? ;) Um, yeah, I might get around to all that in the next few days also...no promises.
Coffee, shower, coffee...I'll catch ya later.

...blog preventing virus...

Last week I took a hiatus from blogging...unintentionally.
Every year for as long as I can remember, as soon as the seasons change, I end up sick. And this year was no exception. :( So last week I spent my miserable time just trying to shuffle through the days while mucus clogged my lungs and poured out of my nose. Now isn't that a lovely image?!?
Worry not...I'm finally now feeling better.
And with any luck, by then end of the day there might even be something worth reading posted up here.

...back away from the magnified mirror...

Among other things I struggle with on a daily basis is the big one...self confidence, or in my case an extreme lack of it. The only time I really remember loving myself full on was right after I had my son...looking down at that perfect being and knowing it came of me...wow...

One of my efforts to combat my recognizably-untrue vision of myself is posting to ST in Threadstyle. Isn't it funny that when we look at pictures of others we automatically take in the whole, but when we see one of ourself we view it in bits and pieces?
The other day I was reading on fellow blogger Chiara's Forever Out Of Place and followed her advice to read more of Already Pretty. What a refreshing read...a woman, speaking honestly, about the quirky ways in which women see themselves. Check out some of her postings on body image and try, as I am, to embrace the wisdom in them.

And then yesterday my dear friend Jen, who in my book is the Queen of Confidence, sent on a bit of wisdom she had found:
“There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:
This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.
When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you." (Copyright © 2000 Stacey Charter)

So what's my take of the day?
...we (insert I) are so concerned with how others see us that we can't see what others see in us...

I'm so focused on what I see as flaws...the size of my nose and mouth, the colour of my skin, the size of my bustline...that I am incapable of seeing the whole. What a surprise it is then to catch out of the corner of my eye a reflection in the windows as I stroll down the street and compliment the elegant graceful image...only to realize...that's me.

And while that sounds like a positive step forward, I know I've a long ways to go.

Meanwhile:

Does this Halloween Fairy Princess Mask make my nose look big?!?

...nothin' but grey skies...

We all know there is something quite dismal in waking up to a rainy day. We crave that added jumpstart of sunlight in the morning...and when it's not there, no amount of caffeine will suffice.
After a gorgeous, mild weekend here, the past few days have been depressingly gray and drippy. I've had to really stretch my rainy-day-activity assortment, and I'm the first to admit, there isn't much left. After being cooped up all winter, we need the reprieve of warm sunny days.
Homeschooling has been an adventure. I've spent most of my son's life bouncing back and forth between being Mami one moment and being the special-needs therapy provider the next. Which was already a struggle...but well worth it. This year I got to add into the mix teacher, and boy, do I feel thinned out. I think it's hard to in one moment step back and assess without emotion, and the very next jump back into emotional loving mother mode. And then there's the frustration level...nope, not mine...the mister man's. Part of his makeup is that he gets easily frustrated...both with tasks and people. So here I am, trying to get in the lesson for the day, and the next thing I know my child has dissolved into a puddle of tears. :(
Homeschooling is easier for me when we have the outdoors to add into the lesson. We can take our education to the road...or rather, the woody path or sidewalk and observe 'real-life' examples. Last summer our daily walks took longer than ever when the mister man came around to the concept of street signs having familiar letters on them. How many people must have passed us in their cars wondering why we were sitting on the sidewalk staring up at the street sign?!?
So today...I'm working within my parameters and using the rainy day for all its worth: we're going to go sit outside with our measuring cups and hide under umbrellas while they fill up with rainwater. How better to prove that you can fit 3 1/3cups into 1 cup?!?

...blog-er-itis...

A few other blogs I check in on seem to have addressed the problem I'm facing by making it a Lenten requirement to post daily. While I know I could very well do the same, I'm quite certain I'd run out of interesting thoughts 7 days in and you the reader would be stuck with pictures of cats and ramblings about snow. So rather than give in to peer pressure, I'm once again mentally tying a ribbon round my finger to remind me to get on here more often.
At least I'm *trying* to be diligent in not boring you to tears, right? How well that's working is another matter...seeing as no one has been commenting lately.
I think this last blast of snow has frozen any creative part of my brain...even my crafts sit idly by, waiting for the thaw out. And all I really want to do is crawl back into bed, throw the covers over my head, and hunker down with the mister man until spring sunshine bursts in!

...Mami why's...

Mister Man: "If I get a spider on me, what would happen?"
Mami: "Well, it could bite you and that would hurt."
Mister Man: "If it bit me, I would get amazing powers."
Mami: "Oh, you mean a spider like the one that bit Spiderman? Those spiders were pretend, honey. That won't really happen."
Mister Man: "Well, then...what would I turn into if the cat bites me?"

All this before coffee? Good morning to you, too!

...you can run, but you can't hide...

The above: that's not mine.
The first years I lived in Ohio were spent in Campus Area/Columbus. Where the focus of every living breathing moment is, apparently, all football...all the time. Needless to say I did not adjust well to early morning inquiries about the game last night...especially when these were asked of me as I walked into church on Sunday!!! And I adjusted less well to being told, at the bar where my then-husband worked...that I should definitely hook up with self-aggrandizing beefcake* blocking my way because...he's Mr. Football. Like, totally, man...let me hop right on that.
UGH!
When my son was born at a healthy, happy, hefty weight...every person who came within breathing distance felt the need to inform me of their psychic connection to his future as a Buckeye. Cause ya know, that's what every Mami wants...a linebacker baby.
Double UGH!
Fast forward through multiple years and growing annoyance to finally getting the heck out of Dodge...whoops...I mean Buckeye-land... Any you'll find us here, with a whole massive pensi-sized state in between us and the dreaded pigskin-itis.
Oh, and there goes the mister man...running past with Transformer clutched tightly to his chest...wearing, you got it...an Ohio State hoodie. And I lift up my Ohio State mug of coffee, take a deep gulp...and sigh...
P.s.-the mug was unearthed in the dust-ridden caverns of the 'Man of the Hour's kitchen cabinets.
P.p.s.-the hoodie was a thrift store find the week after we moved.
Can I put a P.p.p.s. on a P.p.s. following a P.s. to note that I WILL take a picture of the mister man sporting team pride later and post it?
---
*: 'beefcake'-a term used here solely to designate the footballer's skull being full of useless mash, but generally used by lil'sis Raquel as her nickname for the Man of the Hour. Enjoy the clarity!

..let time gone be a bygone...

Can it really be so long that I have neglected this blog? Yes indeed, I know full it can...
For several months now we have lived something of a transitory life and until now I was without a home internet connection. Mind you, I could have taken the extra time to log in and update from someone else's computer...but honestly, I prefer blogging in my own space and time.
Last night we set up my home computer with a wireless connection...so fingers kept crossed...I ought to be able to maintain some semblance of regular updating! At some point in the next few days I hope to get some back-dates up and running and add a whole slew of photos from the past few months.