November's clipping along at a steady pace, and blissfully predictable so far. We're out of the pitch-black-mornings of early fall and (mostly) adjusted to the school schedule.
It seems (dare I say) that things are finally falling into place.
Yeah...yeah...
*knockonwood
*fingerscrossed
~~~~~~~~~~~~
By comparison though, just a handful of months ago, things were...grim.
Grim. Gray.
Even grimy.
So much so that I myself felt grim-gray-and grimy, by association.
The sickness that I had allowed into my life had turned into a full-blown contagion, taking down everyone and everything it came in contact with. It had spread its greedy fingers out into every nook and cranny...and lodged itself deep into the subconscious...springing up unbidden and unwanted to suck the very joy out of summer.
And there was naught that I could do.
I had invited it in.
I had chosen so to do.
And, frankly, I had to see the whole thing through...
But during that time...those 2+ years of dancing with the devil...I, too, had succumbed. I had gone dark...letting it fester within me.
(And don't get me wrong...I knew what I was doing. I purposefully and knowingly chose this path. I would do so again, in a heartbeat. It was worth it.)
I had felt myself slip and slide down that slope, and done nothing to slow my fall. Knowing as I did then but couldn't yet put into words, that I had to be "all in" in order to make it work. Knowing that it had to be real. Knowing that I had to force myself into genuinely caring, or I'd show my cards.
So the grim and gray and grimy seeped in.
Messages turned into conversations.
Days turned into weeks.
The infection took root.
And all too soon...all too quickly...everything beautiful that I had built my life into was fogged over.
Out of reach.
Out of view.
Out of sync.
All I knew was the pervasive fog that had settled in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's November now, and fall is here in full force. Crisp, windy days play off of bitter, rain-soaked ones. Leaves and acorns pelt my head every time I step out the front door. And the nights bring fog rolling in across the roadways, swallowing up marvel and menace both, as we blindly make our way home in the dark from this program or that.
It comes up fast, or so it seems, in our neck of the woods. A quick unfurling of distortion...softening the sharp edges and blending one thing into another and another and another...
...until there is just a wall of gray.
We drive along. The sickly yellow beam of the foglight barely reaching a foot ahead.
Eyes narrowed. The gas pedal barely engaged. Nerves at the ready to spring into action and slam on the brake. Concentration furrowing the brow as we both stare down at the sliver of road before us.
It's all we can see.
All we can make out.
A few feet...maybe less...of pavement in front of the hood.
We drive along.
Knowing full well that the fog hides dangers.
Knowing they are there...just beyond view...
Knowing there's nothing we can do to avoid them.
We stare down at that road with low-expectations.
We won't make it home anytime soon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
November is begun.
It's been months now, of settling into the comfort of the familiar. Of wrapping ourselves back up in the beautiful patchwork quilt of the life I built for us.
Nature's reminder...the fog of fall nights...evokes the darkness that owned me so recently.
But the crisp sting of wind on my cheeks when I open the door each morning serves as counterpoint...reminding me that I am free.
There is contrast here, now. Sharpness and details and saturation. Sometimes it even clashes. Colors at war with one another. Softness brushing up against prickers.
More, now, than I saw before...before the fog rolled in.
More, now, than I have seen these many, many years since first I stepped foot on the freedom trail.
It seems I've finally reached my destination.
It seems I'm finally free.
Little did I guess that all it would take is another full-immersion soaking in that pit of grime for me to finally shake myself loose of any and all responsibility, guilt, heartache, sympathy, empathy, etc...and lay to rest those demons of the past.
Little did I know that I needed to drown in that very fog, in order to finally step out into the light.
~~~