Dear Younger Me,
NO. WAIT. STOP! DON’T THROW ME AWAY!
NO BUTTERFLY EFFECT WILL BE TRIGGERED BY THE READING OF THIS!!!
Whew...okay, you’re still here…
Apologies for the shouting...I know how your mind works. I promise I’ve run this through all the algorithms to make sure no part of it will adversely affect you or your family. Speaking of: Congrats! You, super Mami, will make it through labor and delivery by the skin of your teeth...and let me tell you, it will be a rough ride but well worth it. Henri is everything you are dreaming up right now, and more! So set your mind at ease (ha!) and try to squeeze in a few more catnaps in the recliner before he decides to arrive. Oh, and maybe stock up on post-partum recovery supplies on your next wander’bout the good old aisles of Tar-Jay. (T.P., my friend...T.P. Grab a truck load...you’re gonna need it!) Now, how to word this so it doesn’t trip any alarms…
Be kind to yourself.
Give yourself grace to recover.
And become comfortable with the mute button.
Give yourself grace to recover.
And become comfortable with the mute button.
Anyhow...you know how right now as you read this you are worrying the heck out of yourself over Johannes? Yeah? Don’t! Waste of time, young one...waste of time. He’s going to surprise the heck out of you. Without any spoilers (Sorry...didn’t pass inspection on any of them!) let’s just say he’s going to be the best big brother the world has ever seen.
So, obviously, we both know ‘something’s up’...or else I wouldn’t have risked writing to you like this. Here’s what I’m allowed to tell you:
That virus in Asia? It’s not staying there. Change is coming, fast and hard. Familiarize yourself with some new terminology now. Go ahead and google:
PPE
Cytokine Storm
Cytokine Storm
Distance Learning
Social-Distancing
Whew...Mami...now, breathe. I know, you’re hopped up on all those pregnancy hormones, but come back down to earth. It’s really not that bad! I mean, it is...bad… But you don’t need to worry about it now. What you need is a game plan. Again, T.P. Toilet Paper is the name of the game...trust me on this. Just go ahead and stock up now.
So before your crazy hormonal self spirals out of control and you think I’m writing to you from some post-Apocalyptic future where asymptomatic-carriers are mixing it up in violent protest, and Cheeto worshippers demonstrate Darwinian stereotypes, and the government hunkers into bunkers, and murder-hornets force us all indoors...take a breath (1...2...3...in...1...2...3...out) and rest assured, only 3 of those things are true.
You know how everyone keeps talking to you like it’s your first go-round at motherhood, what with the “sleep before the baby comes” and “get your prep work in now”? Err...yeah, they’re right. Go Nike-style and Just.Do.It. Sleepless nights are coming, and Henri’s only half to blame. Remember that google spree you just went on? PPE? Get used to the sound of 3D printers running 24/7. And prepare yourself to be prouder of Johannes then you’ve ever been before. He’s going to surprise you. (Oh, crap...you caught that pluralization of the printer, didn’t you? Yeah, maybe start rearranging the kitchen now…”if you move it, they will come” and all. Oh, and stock up on filament and plastic bags and print-bed tape now…you do NOT want to know how much I’m spending on shipping these days. Just go ahead and jump on Amazon quick and I’ll wait…
Yeah, so, you fell asleep, huh? What do you mean, “How do I know?”. I’m you, idiot. Future you, sitting here with my bank account screen open, hoping my words of wisdom got through to you in time to get my balance out of the red. Nevermind, I know you needed it...that whole pregnancy-insomnia thing…
So where were we? Right...PPE. It’s going to consume every waking hour (and yeah, they’ll all be waking hours...Henri has reflux and since you can’t do a thing about it, it’s safe to tell you!) and basically take over the house. Good news, though: PPE production will be Johannes’ saving grace. Investing his skills and talents into this social-project will keep his anxiety at bay, and distract him from what you will come to learn is the de-educating of American youth known as “Distance Learning”. You know that term “Busy Work”? Let’s just say it’s in no way IEP-compliant, or tailored to the individual learner, or...frankly...of any educational use whatsoever. That said, it serves a purpose: school compliancy with fulfilling 180 days no matter the how-what-where. Prepare yourself though...it will drone on and on and on...pointless and predictable and much to the frustration of both you and Johannes...right up until today.
Distance-Learning is a blessing in disguise though. You’ll both spend so much time staring at his computer screen, waiting for teacher updates and grading, that not being able to go anywhere ever won’t even leave a ripple. Remember those shipping fees and our bank account? Yeah...let’s just say online shopping is your Olympic sport! I’m told it’s okay to let you know that Quarantine-Life is coming, bringing a halt to shopping for non-essentials and a massive slooooow down to shopping for groceries. You know the gas lines at Costco? Reimagine them as people-queues...but with 6 feet between each person and wrapping round the parking lot. It will also shut down public spaces such as your local library (enjoy reading your current loans about 2 dozen times!), parks and recreation. I’m here to let you know that Ergo Baby Carrier you’ve been eyeing up is totally worth the $$$...you WILL be walking up and down that side road A LOT! Plus side:amazing convos with J-Bug while Henri lolls chest-side!
All that staying home is a good thing, though. You know how Johannes is? Yeah...I know you know. Well, social-distancing is his jam! Just follow his lead! He’s been avoiding peeps for years...he’ll show you how it’s done. (And listen to him when he tells you to take your own advice. All I can say is “the only opinions that matter come from people who matter to you” are the wisest words you’ve ever uttered and you are going to need to start practicing what you preach!) Go ahead and let him “waste his time” on that Nightstrike mask if he wants to...it might just come in handy!
I know, I know...your eyes are starting to glaze over. Hit that pedal and recline away...but put the blanket on your lap first..the cat’s claws haven’t been trimmed and we both know how much she enjoys napping right on that belly! Yeowch! I think by now Henri has grown quite adept at the in-utero kickoff!
Naptime over so soon? Okay, let’s dive back in...springtime is coming, and with it, social unrest. Be prepared to hit the unfriend button...a lot...in the coming weeks as your clown-car of acquaintances begin to show their true colours. The “Orange Orangutan” will prove once again that there is literally No Limit to his long-game con of the American public, his ability to stir things up, and his white supremacist leanings. Just...be prepared. It’s going to get nasty on all fronts, and you’ll find yourself divided between supporting the push for racial equality and supporting your friends in the first-response field. Thankfully, Henri will start rolling over and pre-crawling right when it hits fever-pitch, so you’ll be too distracted keeping him alive to fall into the pits of despair.
Listen, you’ve got this. The family motto isn’t “Roll with the Punches” for nothing, after all. It’s going to be a rough season for sure, but you’ll make it to today at least! And hey, all that Social-Distancing will serve as a great excuse for avoiding those who are generally too close for comfort...You KNOW who we mean!
So stay safe...stay healthy...and when they say “push”...dig in like your life depends on it...
It Will!
~You, Me, and She
P.s- Feel free to pack away all your “nice” clothes. You won’t be wearing any of them anytime soon. Oh, and pants! No need for them either.
P.p.s- Do Not Under Any Circumstances pack away your makeup. Zoom is coming...and hi-def is not your post-partum friend!
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