...mami can't do 'me' time...

In an effort to finish at least one project this fall, I've been tasking myself with editing and catolouging the thousands of photos I've taken this spring/summer/fall.
I'm burning through them at a pretty good rate...and even getting some posted here...backdated if need be, but posted nonetheless! :)

This morning I spent my breakfast...coffee in one hand, hunt-and-peck with the other...finishing up the pics from our weekend in PA. And found this winner:



(I reserve the right to pull this pic out of sheer humiliation at any point!)
Aaah...weekend hotel...comfy beds...relaxing whirlpool...STILL NOT RELAXED!?! Seriously, zoom in...see that expression on my face??? I vaguely remember having spent a solid 15 minutes in that tub...relaxing, enjoying, zoning. Proof, people, proof. Even in Mami-relaxation-mode, I am still totally focused, totally on guard and totally stressed.

Need this, STAT!

...childhood revisited...

This week I learned something new. I can add 'Back to School' night to the list of awkward single mom moments!

Need a reminder that you are out there doing it 'alone'? Aching to stick out like a sore thumb? Chomping at the bit to reiterate countless times that there's no dad or siblings?

Then by goodness sake, get yourself to the nearest 'Back to School' night, and have at it!!!

Ugh! :(

I can't remember, am I supposed feel ashamed or proud, broken or strong, victimized or warrior-like?

Q-"So, what does your husband do?"
A-"Drugs, other women, you name it...thanks for asking!"

...a little time to reconnect...

We're off to the Jersey Shore this weekend...and Mister Man is going to have a blast! Fresh caught crabs, a little dockside fishing, frenetic boardwalk rambling, and a stroll down memory lane in good old Beach Haven is on the to-do list.

...the first real let-go...

He's there, in that building just a few blocks down the street. And I'm here alternately frantic and teary-eyed, heart pounding, arms strangely empty feeling.
I've been rushing around scrubbing and washing and rinsing and folding...blasting my iPod to drown out thoughts.

The bus never came, so he ended up on another and I had to race down to make sure he actually was there. But not go in...just stand on the step and hear the confirmation, but not see for myself.

It's the next step...I know that. And there will be many more to come and they will ache just as this does. With every growth and change he makes, I will mourn what is past. I will rejoice in the achievement and the challenges and the changes...but I will mourn. Because I know what it felt like to be his whole world.
I've felt bits and pieces of this before...when the first diagnosis was made, when we went to the first speech therapy, when we went to the special needs preschool that first day...and once, for a whole week as I dealt with the first autism spectrum diagnosis and I thought I had lost something. Now I know better...I lost nothing...rather, that which was now had a name.

I'm fidgety on the inside...my stomach is roiling and my head is dizzy and pounding and silent all at the same time. I'm so very used to days that are full up of reaction...and now there is nothing to react to. My coffee cup has no danger of being tipped over onto the carpet. My lunch will not be picked at by sticky little fingers. The clean folded laundry will remain clean and folded...there will be no tent topped with skivvies in the livingroom.

And meanwhile I wonder...do they see the miracle? Do they know he needs so much but can give them even more? Will they help him with his lunch and keep him safe? Will his feeling be hurt? Will he be hurt?

Where is the book that will teach me how to be Mami from a distance?

...school days are a'comin...

This afternoon Mister Man and I entered the hallowed halls of education...and then we found the toys!

In just a week my ever-growing miracle will be off to Kindergarten...out of my safety net and into the great big sea of school. I'm petrified, terrified, wistful and desperate...and trying my damndest not to show it.

Today was the scheduled walk-through...a chance for Mister Man to greet his teacher, see his classroom and meet his classmates. We poked about in the library, signed up for email notifications and found a box of awesome blocks that link together.

Mister Man is ready to go back...provided that both 'pokey blocks' and legos are still in the classroom when he gets there!

Mister Man's Mami could not be less ready...

...bookworms and cuddlebugs...

Mister Man is into books.

In a big way.

Monday is library day...every week, no matter the weather.

This summer we both participated in reading challenges at the local library.
The librarians in the childrens' department were astonished when Mister Man reached the final goal of minutes within a month of having begun. Throughout the summer he won tickets to a Patriots game, three new books, and some arts'n'crafts supplies.
Meanwhile, the librarian at the front desk knows us by sight. And seems to not quite understand that part of her job is encouraging people to read more. She actually poked fun at me for how many books I check out each week...harumph! BTW...I average a book a day, thanks to my insomnia. At any rate, I also got prizes...a nice reusable library shopping bag and a few books.

How nice to be rewarded for something we do naturally. Not a common occurrence is it? Can you imagine if someone held a coffee drinking challenge? Billie and I could go head to head with anyone!

Reading is just the thing, as Mister Man gets older, to bring us right back to one on one. All curled up in a cozy spot with a pile of blankets and pillows and a tower of reading material...those are the moments I'll remember.

...a weekend away...

So much of the beginning of the week was colored by the impending anniversary and my desire and need to overshadow the negative with immensely positive activities and memories in the making, that I gave little time or thought to the weekend ahead.

We traveled early on Saturday to Pennsylvannia, cutting our trip into nice, neat pieces.

1)One of the highlights was our first destination, or moreso, the person who awaited us there...my sister, and Mister Man's beloved Tante. We met up at the King of Prussia mall...huge, immense, shop-tastic...and due to its overwhelming size so similiar in feeling to all the other places we've been able to meet up with her. I hold out hope nonetheless that someday, someway...we three will enjoy a cozy comforting visit. Crackling fire, vegan marshmallows and board games.

2)An all to brief visit later, and we were off to our hotel to enjoy the amenities that my first experience with Priceline had garnered us. Two pools and a whirlpool? Bliss! And in what has now become the summer of exponential achievement, Mister Man experimented with putting his whole face underwater! Mami pride!

3)A family dinner that night with relatives I hadn't seen in years, and whom Mister Man had never met before made for an interesting end to the day.

4)The following morning we packed our bags and headed out, determined to enjoy a touristy, vactioney morning.

5)And in the afternoon we went to a beautiful church for a beautiful service to lay my uncle to rest. Once again we were surrounded by people vaguely familiar to me and completely unfamiliar to my child.