Just the other day (sounds much better than yesterday afternoon) I had a full blog post solidify in the ether of my mind...while out for a walk with the mister man.
Now of course, it's gone...
Restoration capabilities are limited in the sleep-deprived...so I have only these few gems to offer:
I took the time to slow down and just watch, as my son stepped on a narrow log and balanced carefully...arms out to the side and slightly askew...shaky...in fits and starts...he walked from one end to the other before jumping down and clapping. Perfection! A moment of pure childhood NORMALCY. This was what being a mother was all about.
So often I get caught up...in the data forms, the questionairres, the tests...all the things that tangibly remind me that my son is autistic. And it becomes quite easy to forget that he is first and foremost an 'almost 5' year old boy...just a child like any other...growing and learning and playing. Day to day living can turn into a quiz show...did he do this, did he not do this, can he handle it, what's the reaction...etc... And far to often I think the real rare moments of his just being a child pass me by. That wasn't always the case...we used to go to the playground or the park every single day and just play and laugh and be whatever it is we are. But winter and cold and damp get in the way of that...and when we're shut up in the house it's easy to lose sight of play and just let frustration rule the day.
Despite all my resolutions...I'm still far from living the life I want to. A large factor in that is very much ME...and my wimpy self-conscious inability to be at peace with sticking out. Silly girl...
Quality over quantity is the new goal for our future food consumption. The junk food has got to go...as does the compulsion to buy it because it's cheap/on sale. There's really no need to fill the cabinets, fridge and freezer with such variety of edible garbage. Instead, I'd like to gradually ease into buying only what we need/want for any given day...and being inventive with the leftovers. Shop every third day perhaps for a new entree, vegetable and fruit...
Need. More. Coffee.
30 January, 2008
...ice-queen...
This morning, miracles of miracles, the mister man actually made it to school! Which brings the total for January school days attended up to two handfuls?!? Apparently fate had decided he WOULD go no matter what else got in the way, and boy oh boy did the what else try! Last night brought in the windstorm/hailstorm from hell...which combined with my current insomnia...made sleep beyond impossible. At some point though, probably early morning, I did manage to conk out...just in time perhaps...else I would have been awake to see the power go out. Cue the bleary eyed perusal of the alarm clock which reads 5:30...when it's really 7:30 and the bus is rolling ever closer. Unscrambling of head and inner clock rumblings that perhaps the clock is ?wrong?...and full speed ahead to literally throwing clothing on self and the mister man as adrenaline rushes in.
We managed to make it down the stairs in one piece and get both shoes and coats on before the bus pulled up...and then, wonders of wonders...another wrench in the works...literally, a wrench on the door to no avail. Our front door was frozen shut. I think my brain exploded a little!
Wrenching on the door and twisting locks and handles did nothing. So, I bade the child stand back and gave it a good old superhero try with the roundhouse kick...and lo and behold the door un-stuck! (Now if only I could have done it in heels while talking on the phone and drinking coffee...now THAT would be something to brag about!)
Skipping all attempts for any sort of conversational overlap in themes here...
It's dawned on me rather suddenly that with the mister man's 5th coming up we're also coming up on having lived in this very apartment for 5 years and my having been ALONE (cue the sound effects) for over 3 years. How can I ever hope to expand my family or enjoy a leisurely stroll down the aisle if I don't open up to the possibility of dating?!?
BTW...after the three year mark in this very same apartment, the plan was to have had at least one more child and have become a homeowner...hahahahahahaha...
3a.m. this morning had me feeling quite sorry for both self and son...no backyard swingset for him to play on, no loyal pup to wrestle with, no white picket fence (though I much prefer the idea of a stylized hedge!)and absolutely not a thing to show for ourselves after 5 years as a family. Ouch!
We managed to make it down the stairs in one piece and get both shoes and coats on before the bus pulled up...and then, wonders of wonders...another wrench in the works...literally, a wrench on the door to no avail. Our front door was frozen shut. I think my brain exploded a little!
Wrenching on the door and twisting locks and handles did nothing. So, I bade the child stand back and gave it a good old superhero try with the roundhouse kick...and lo and behold the door un-stuck! (Now if only I could have done it in heels while talking on the phone and drinking coffee...now THAT would be something to brag about!)
Skipping all attempts for any sort of conversational overlap in themes here...
It's dawned on me rather suddenly that with the mister man's 5th coming up we're also coming up on having lived in this very apartment for 5 years and my having been ALONE (cue the sound effects) for over 3 years. How can I ever hope to expand my family or enjoy a leisurely stroll down the aisle if I don't open up to the possibility of dating?!?
BTW...after the three year mark in this very same apartment, the plan was to have had at least one more child and have become a homeowner...hahahahahahaha...
3a.m. this morning had me feeling quite sorry for both self and son...no backyard swingset for him to play on, no loyal pup to wrestle with, no white picket fence (though I much prefer the idea of a stylized hedge!)and absolutely not a thing to show for ourselves after 5 years as a family. Ouch!
22 January, 2008
...why is the sky blue...
Why is it that when I most need the sleep, I simply can't fall asleep?
Why does a day without mail make me feel like I'm stranded in the twilight zone?
Why can't I stop re-arranging things?
When did I start thinking staring at the tv screen for two hours was a perfectly respectable way to pass a whole evening?
Why don't I sing anymore?
Why does a day without mail make me feel like I'm stranded in the twilight zone?
Why can't I stop re-arranging things?
When did I start thinking staring at the tv screen for two hours was a perfectly respectable way to pass a whole evening?
Why don't I sing anymore?
...resolving to progress while progressing with resolutions...
Well here it is nearing the end of January and I have yet to add any worthwile updates. I've been multi-tasking since the start of the new year, both personally and professionally, which leaves me little time for sleep and less for putting together actual sensible thoughts. Thus far, I'm doing fairly well with my resolutions. Can any of you say the same, or have they all gone by the wayside?
From day one of January onward I have been slowly tending to the clearing out of clutter...having taken it one step further and addressing some of the ephemeral and non-tangible clutter while at it. One of the great positives in all this is that when we finally do get around to making the big move, it will be much smoother without all the baggage. The basement and closets have been cleaned out and the rest of the house is gradually being tended to also.
We've had a bit of snow here once again...and a great deal of frigid temperatures which finally gave way to a mild afternoon today. The mister man and I were able to enjoy a real walk again...complete with a trip to the natural food market for some "fixins". He's becoming quite the companionable walking partner...if only he had a bit more by way of conversation...
Speaking of the mister man, I'm sure it is due time for a sum up of all his latest feats, wonders and charms. He continues to be the handsome, brilliant and perfect imp...as always. This last week I kept him home from school as he was feeling poorly...and am now well overdue for a good long break from him! :) He is becoming quite the little helper...sometimes when I don't need the help/hindrance...but usually in a good way. I'm starting to think it might be time for an actual chore and reward system for him. He really ought to be quite capable of making his own bed and perhaps helping to tidy up the house at night. And I could stand the help!
From day one of January onward I have been slowly tending to the clearing out of clutter...having taken it one step further and addressing some of the ephemeral and non-tangible clutter while at it. One of the great positives in all this is that when we finally do get around to making the big move, it will be much smoother without all the baggage. The basement and closets have been cleaned out and the rest of the house is gradually being tended to also.
We've had a bit of snow here once again...and a great deal of frigid temperatures which finally gave way to a mild afternoon today. The mister man and I were able to enjoy a real walk again...complete with a trip to the natural food market for some "fixins". He's becoming quite the companionable walking partner...if only he had a bit more by way of conversation...
Speaking of the mister man, I'm sure it is due time for a sum up of all his latest feats, wonders and charms. He continues to be the handsome, brilliant and perfect imp...as always. This last week I kept him home from school as he was feeling poorly...and am now well overdue for a good long break from him! :) He is becoming quite the little helper...sometimes when I don't need the help/hindrance...but usually in a good way. I'm starting to think it might be time for an actual chore and reward system for him. He really ought to be quite capable of making his own bed and perhaps helping to tidy up the house at night. And I could stand the help!
01 January, 2008
...and they're off...
Happy New Year one and all!
Day One of 2008 and so far so good...I'm off to a decent start.
The resolutions keep piling up as I think of all sorts of other valid changes to be made...but I'm more than happy to report I've already kept a few of them!
The mister man has a few resolutions of his own, namely: to give more hugs, to throw fewer temper tantrums, and to clean up his own messes. Oh dear, is it a tad bit to obvious that I made those for him?!? :)
Day One of 2008 and so far so good...I'm off to a decent start.
The resolutions keep piling up as I think of all sorts of other valid changes to be made...but I'm more than happy to report I've already kept a few of them!
The mister man has a few resolutions of his own, namely: to give more hugs, to throw fewer temper tantrums, and to clean up his own messes. Oh dear, is it a tad bit to obvious that I made those for him?!? :)
31 December, 2007
...the reviews are in...
With but a few hours left of 2007, it is time indeed for the yearly wrap up.
2007 has been for me the year of insight. Certainly a counterpoint to the massive challenges that 2006 had to offer, it has been the year for me to 'rise and shine'. As it began I was very much in the adjustment period of dealing with my son's diagnoses and finally laying aside my anger and resentment in regards to my ex. The prior months (Fall 2006) probably saw me at my worst emotionally, mentally and physically as I wrestled with everything at once. But as 2007 dawned I was finally finding sure footing again.
Spring and summer and fall again brought changes, as always...but this year I was prepared and self-assured...and each transition was smoother than the next.
As I head into 2008 with my handy list of resolutions, I am amazed at my own personal growth. I'm finally beginning to like myself for who I am, and how I look and what I am capable of. Which for me, is somewhat unbelievable!?! :) I really feel as though I now have a much more accurate image of myself and am thus able to make clearer decisions as to what I would like to change.
As with most, my focus in the year ahead is self-improvement. For me that means releasing some baggage, erasing some bitterness, overcoming my trust issues and allowing myself to be open, kind and friendly once again.
Because I have a clearer idea of who I am and what I have to offer, as I close out 2007 I can truly say I am ready for the future to begin.
2007 has been for me the year of insight. Certainly a counterpoint to the massive challenges that 2006 had to offer, it has been the year for me to 'rise and shine'. As it began I was very much in the adjustment period of dealing with my son's diagnoses and finally laying aside my anger and resentment in regards to my ex. The prior months (Fall 2006) probably saw me at my worst emotionally, mentally and physically as I wrestled with everything at once. But as 2007 dawned I was finally finding sure footing again.
Spring and summer and fall again brought changes, as always...but this year I was prepared and self-assured...and each transition was smoother than the next.
As I head into 2008 with my handy list of resolutions, I am amazed at my own personal growth. I'm finally beginning to like myself for who I am, and how I look and what I am capable of. Which for me, is somewhat unbelievable!?! :) I really feel as though I now have a much more accurate image of myself and am thus able to make clearer decisions as to what I would like to change.
As with most, my focus in the year ahead is self-improvement. For me that means releasing some baggage, erasing some bitterness, overcoming my trust issues and allowing myself to be open, kind and friendly once again.
Because I have a clearer idea of who I am and what I have to offer, as I close out 2007 I can truly say I am ready for the future to begin.
11 December, 2007
....what do you see...
As you go through your day and slip from one challenge to the next, what's your view? Do you see things in the minute, the detailed, the of-the-moment? Or do you concentrate on the vast, the long-term, the big picture? And which view is healthier?
Is it better to concentrate on the finite or the infinite?
Anyone who knows me well will tell you these things about me: I am super-organized, I am a little OCD, I am detail oriented, I am a planner, I like things in their own time and place.
And, anyone who knows me well will also tell you that because of the above, I have struggled with an impossible desire for perfection and the shock of my child's disability.
But today I concentrate on more of the 'me' stuff...the ways I cause myself more trouble than needed. Those little quirks and tendencies that left unchecked cause me to make things more difficult and stressful than they need to be.
When you wake up in the morning, do you already know what the day will hold, or are you excited for the possibilities of the unknown?
I have spent the greater portion of my life as a list maker and calendar filler extraordinaire. That is, up until my son was born. And then...shock to the system. Irretrievable data loss and memory purge...and all of a sudden no calendar could cover all the events and no list could contain all the needs. Life with my son is simply a matter of 'rolling with the punches'. Every day is totally new and totally unexpected and will no doubt throw me for multiple loops.
And just this past week I finally got "it"! Planning the future is a waste of emotional energy!
See, here's the thing...imagine for a moment that you are me. The phone rings, you/I answer and there is news. Good, bad, neutral...whatever...news. Immediately you/I begin to process the news, compartmentalizing it into nice sizeable chunks. What will happen...how will you/I deal...what to do about it???
Okay, now step back...look, see, there I am freeze-framed in my emotional messiness... Don't you just want to pick me up, shake me and say "chill out, calm down, nothing is changing right this moment!" ?
Thanks for the well-meaning...but there's no need. Because, you see, I've finally done just that to myself!
The phone rang, I answered, and there was the news. Now I'll grant you, in the broad scheme of things yes, it was bad news. But not life-ending, emotional havoc, pack up and flee bad news. And as I listened and felt the usual surge of panic and ovewhelming need to plan it all out...I did the mental 'block pass' and said no to my own emotional overload. For the first time I saw the big picture and realized that nothing was changing that very moment or any time in the near future. For the first time I realized what it meant to file something away for a later date . I don't have to plot out the whole situation...I don't have to prepare for every eventuality and conversation and scuffle. Emotional strength is defined in the ability to face down the challenge in the moment of the battle, not in advance of the battle.
So my newly turned over leaf means that while I recognize the potential for trouble brewing in the future-scape, I no longer need to make it my focus in the present.
Are you allowing the future to have possibility or are you creating it with a pre-conceived mold of what you fear it will be?
Is it better to concentrate on the finite or the infinite?
Anyone who knows me well will tell you these things about me: I am super-organized, I am a little OCD, I am detail oriented, I am a planner, I like things in their own time and place.
And, anyone who knows me well will also tell you that because of the above, I have struggled with an impossible desire for perfection and the shock of my child's disability.
But today I concentrate on more of the 'me' stuff...the ways I cause myself more trouble than needed. Those little quirks and tendencies that left unchecked cause me to make things more difficult and stressful than they need to be.
When you wake up in the morning, do you already know what the day will hold, or are you excited for the possibilities of the unknown?
I have spent the greater portion of my life as a list maker and calendar filler extraordinaire. That is, up until my son was born. And then...shock to the system. Irretrievable data loss and memory purge...and all of a sudden no calendar could cover all the events and no list could contain all the needs. Life with my son is simply a matter of 'rolling with the punches'. Every day is totally new and totally unexpected and will no doubt throw me for multiple loops.
And just this past week I finally got "it"! Planning the future is a waste of emotional energy!
See, here's the thing...imagine for a moment that you are me. The phone rings, you/I answer and there is news. Good, bad, neutral...whatever...news. Immediately you/I begin to process the news, compartmentalizing it into nice sizeable chunks. What will happen...how will you/I deal...what to do about it???
Okay, now step back...look, see, there I am freeze-framed in my emotional messiness... Don't you just want to pick me up, shake me and say "chill out, calm down, nothing is changing right this moment!" ?
Thanks for the well-meaning...but there's no need. Because, you see, I've finally done just that to myself!
The phone rang, I answered, and there was the news. Now I'll grant you, in the broad scheme of things yes, it was bad news. But not life-ending, emotional havoc, pack up and flee bad news. And as I listened and felt the usual surge of panic and ovewhelming need to plan it all out...I did the mental 'block pass' and said no to my own emotional overload. For the first time I saw the big picture and realized that nothing was changing that very moment or any time in the near future. For the first time I realized what it meant to file something away for a later date . I don't have to plot out the whole situation...I don't have to prepare for every eventuality and conversation and scuffle. Emotional strength is defined in the ability to face down the challenge in the moment of the battle, not in advance of the battle.
So my newly turned over leaf means that while I recognize the potential for trouble brewing in the future-scape, I no longer need to make it my focus in the present.
Are you allowing the future to have possibility or are you creating it with a pre-conceived mold of what you fear it will be?
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