Blank slate, right?
The first Monday of the new week...new month...New Year.
Blank slate?
Hmm...not really. After all, I'm still me...mess and all...
Perhaps a better visual is "fresh coat of white paint".
Everything that's gone before is still there, after all...just under the surface. But in layering this New Year on top...with all of it possibility and promise..it's a chance to create something more...something different...something beyond what last year's picture of life became.
That fresh coat is a way of acknowledging that there's history. It relies on what's gone before to build up the layers on which it lies. There's...topography...under the surface. Hills and valleys, shadow and light...there's history, and it's forever altered the shape and weight and texture of the canvas.
The fresh coat glides smoothly over it all...rising and falling where I have done the same. But it's very existence...all that empty white space...means the art is changing...
So here I am, first Monday of the New Year, with a white expanse before me on which to start something...not new...but
beyond. To create a piece of art of this life of mine that takes my history into account and finds beauty in every brushstroke.
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Honoring who I am and what I've endured is important in this process of creation...of healing. Rather than diving in and risking immediate overwhelm~burnout~panic, I'm taking it slowly. I'm resolved to be gentler with myself this year. To treat my breaks and bruises with the same tenderness I would anyone else's. To, instead of working through them, allow them the time and space and attention to heal.
So today, between the hustle and bustle of daily life, I'm taking one very small, very cautious step forward by finding the time to organize all the papers and cards and phone numbers that I'll need in order to schedule health-appointments. I'm hoping...pausing as I type, to cross fingers on both hands and whisper "please"...that this forced abandonment of my previous hit-the-ground-running will mean that I can take in the associated fears individually, in manageably smaller doses...rather than forcing the issue and risking breakdown. The goal, for today, is to unemotionally approach the logistics side of my health...by organizing what I'll need on the future day when I have the right support by my side to make the calls and schedule the appointments.
And in doing so, mindfully, I've already begun my journey of healing. Recognizing that my previous pattern was harmful to me, and only giving myself one actionable task at a time, while recognizing that in order for me to heal in this area, I need to break it down into smaller chunks and make sure that I have someone there to "hold my hand" when the fear sets in.
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This year ahead has 363 more days left. I don't need to do it all at once.
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Healing means taking things as slowly as needed to stay within my boundaries...my comfort zone.
Healing means setting my foot on solid ground with each step forward.
Healing means acceptance of my limitations...addressing the core of my fears...and allowing my loved ones to support me.
Healing means praising my efforts, even when the pace is slow.
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Today, healing means:
sitting down to write it out
stopping the lesson to laugh
playing instead of tidying up
a phone call with my former m.i.l./good friend
listening to the pain and readjusting my grip
organizing the necessary paperwork
~~~
Today, 2nd January, first Monday of the first week of the first month of the New Year...I've put color to canvas and begun to create what comes next.
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