The year has almost chimed its farewell, and a new one beckons...full of things to come and dreams yet unrealized and moments that will become part of the story we live.
What a relief.
~~~
As I wrote previously, my intention to thrive in 2022 was thwarted at every turn, and I found the only recourse was to accept the year's demand that I settle instead. It was a hard lesson. A bitter defeat of my hope and my desire. But there, you see...the word above? Lesson? Lesson, indeed. And I, the unwilling student, finally learned it at the 11th hour.
My study of a year's time was that of :
settling with and settling for now and settling in and settling down and settling for always.
It was a lesson written out in frustrations and disappointments, in discovery and acceptance.
It was...settling.
I settled.
I am settled.
And having done so, I'm ready for...
...rising back up
...breaking back out
...moving forward and moving on
What I'm ready for is what I've learned, by settling, is what I have to do before I can thrive.
I'm ready to heal.
We'll come back to that in a moment.
~~~
My partner's word for 2023 is "teamwork": his earnest hope that he'll learn to become a better team-mate.
For him, the word encompasses:
being open to other opinions or understandings
being supportive
being supported
finding his own strengths and taking the lead in those areas
taking a back seat when others are better equipped
working collaboratively
defining goals and working toward them independently and cooperatively
communicating effectively
My eldest son chose "expand" as his word to manifest in 2023: a challenge in every area.
He's setting out to:
expand his knowledge base
expand his creative output
expand his business
expand his social and support networks
expand his horizons
expand his use of his talents
expand his opportunities
etc...
~~~
I chose "heal". I'm guiding this year to come, setting my intention and making manifest that which this past year has taught me I need.
Because if ever I want there to be a year in my future in which I truly thrive, first I have to heal the broken pieces and tend to the bits that need extra care.
If you've been here with me on these pages for any length of time, you know my longstanding motto has been "roll with the punches". It was necessity, you see...the only way forward. Just barrel on through despite the blows and keep moving to avoid the pain.
But I want to thrive. I want to flourish. I want that for my family. I want that for myself.
I want to write this story with a happy ending.
So, I need to do the healing work.
It's broken down, in my mind, into a series of actionable tasks:
1) Heal the body:
a) I need major dental work. I've needed major dental work. All my adult teeth came in with fissures, and I've fought cavities and tooth decay and major dental pain my whole adult life. But what few know is that a traumatic experience with a dentist years ago in Ohio has prevented me at almost every step, from seeking treatment. It has so debilitated me, that even the thought of scheduling a dental appointment sends me into full-blown panic and hysteria. But I am writing the words here, to hold myself accountable...to make the appointments and allow myself the grace of having someone hold my hand the whole way through.
b) I need to make a general appointment, and follow through on referrals, and determine what to do about my neck and shoulder pain and stiffness. I've done it before...I can do it again. I need to force myself to accept that PT might not be enough, and that it's not a matter of mind over matter.
c) This body of mine needs to be allowed to recover, properly...restfully and with gentle care, from a challenging pregnancy and traumatic delivery. I've asked more of it than I should have, and I've forced myself to push through pain and discomfort instead of listening to those warnings that I was further damaging myself.
2) Heal the heart:
Kintsugi -that transformation from broken pottery into something precious~unique~and functional..by piecing what remains back together and binding the cracks with gold. The beauty of highlighting the places in which you were damaged but continued on.
a) embrace, honor, and celebrate the scars that you've stitched yourself back together with
b) reparent that broken little girl who grew up feeling unwanted and unloved and unlovable, and tell her who she really is
c) embrace that devastated wife who tried her best to fix a broken man, and release her from the guilt and shame of having failed, and let her finally let it all go
d) turn the love you give to others back on yourself, and be as gentle and loyal and generous to yourself as you are to others
3) Heal the psyche:
a) silence the negative voice that bellows when you look in the mirror and choose, instead, to see yourself as your sons see you
b) accept that you can't do it all, and you shouldn't do it all, and not doing it all doesn't make you less than enough
c) reinforce your boundaries, stay resolute in your no-contact, and reach out for support when you feel yourself wavering
d) write it out
e) dance it out
f) sing it out
g) allow for tears...of sorrow, rage, humiliation, fear. allow for the whole human experience, weak and tender, and stop steeling your spine.
h) remember who you are and what you've already overcome
~~~
Yes, this year...this New Year that's almost here...
This is my year to...
HEAL
