...the reviews are in...

With but a few hours left of 2007, it is time indeed for the yearly wrap up.
2007 has been for me the year of insight. Certainly a counterpoint to the massive challenges that 2006 had to offer, it has been the year for me to 'rise and shine'. As it began I was very much in the adjustment period of dealing with my son's diagnoses and finally laying aside my anger and resentment in regards to my ex. The prior months (Fall 2006) probably saw me at my worst emotionally, mentally and physically as I wrestled with everything at once. But as 2007 dawned I was finally finding sure footing again.
Spring and summer and fall again brought changes, as always...but this year I was prepared and self-assured...and each transition was smoother than the next.
As I head into 2008 with my handy list of resolutions, I am amazed at my own personal growth. I'm finally beginning to like myself for who I am, and how I look and what I am capable of. Which for me, is somewhat unbelievable!?! :) I really feel as though I now have a much more accurate image of myself and am thus able to make clearer decisions as to what I would like to change.
As with most, my focus in the year ahead is self-improvement. For me that means releasing some baggage, erasing some bitterness, overcoming my trust issues and allowing myself to be open, kind and friendly once again.
Because I have a clearer idea of who I am and what I have to offer, as I close out 2007 I can truly say I am ready for the future to begin.

....what do you see...

As you go through your day and slip from one challenge to the next, what's your view? Do you see things in the minute, the detailed, the of-the-moment? Or do you concentrate on the vast, the long-term, the big picture? And which view is healthier?

Is it better to concentrate on the finite or the infinite?

Anyone who knows me well will tell you these things about me: I am super-organized, I am a little OCD, I am detail oriented, I am a planner, I like things in their own time and place.
And, anyone who knows me well will also tell you that because of the above, I have struggled with an impossible desire for perfection and the shock of my child's disability.

But today I concentrate on more of the 'me' stuff...the ways I cause myself more trouble than needed. Those little quirks and tendencies that left unchecked cause me to make things more difficult and stressful than they need to be.

When you wake up in the morning, do you already know what the day will hold, or are you excited for the possibilities of the unknown?

I have spent the greater portion of my life as a list maker and calendar filler extraordinaire. That is, up until my son was born. And then...shock to the system. Irretrievable data loss and memory purge...and all of a sudden no calendar could cover all the events and no list could contain all the needs. Life with my son is simply a matter of 'rolling with the punches'. Every day is totally new and totally unexpected and will no doubt throw me for multiple loops.

And just this past week I finally got "it"! Planning the future is a waste of emotional energy!

See, here's the thing...imagine for a moment that you are me. The phone rings, you/I answer and there is news. Good, bad, neutral...whatever...news. Immediately you/I begin to process the news, compartmentalizing it into nice sizeable chunks. What will happen...how will you/I deal...what to do about it???

Okay, now step back...look, see, there I am freeze-framed in my emotional messiness... Don't you just want to pick me up, shake me and say "chill out, calm down, nothing is changing right this moment!" ?

Thanks for the well-meaning...but there's no need. Because, you see, I've finally done just that to myself!

The phone rang, I answered, and there was the news. Now I'll grant you, in the broad scheme of things yes, it was bad news. But not life-ending, emotional havoc, pack up and flee bad news. And as I listened and felt the usual surge of panic and ovewhelming need to plan it all out...I did the mental 'block pass' and said no to my own emotional overload. For the first time I saw the big picture and realized that nothing was changing that very moment or any time in the near future. For the first time I realized what it meant to file something away for a later date . I don't have to plot out the whole situation...I don't have to prepare for every eventuality and conversation and scuffle. Emotional strength is defined in the ability to face down the challenge in the moment of the battle, not in advance of the battle.

So my newly turned over leaf means that while I recognize the potential for trouble brewing in the future-scape, I no longer need to make it my focus in the present.

Are you allowing the future to have possibility or are you creating it with a pre-conceived mold of what you fear it will be?

...quote of the day...

"But history will judge you, and as the years pass, you will ultimately judge yourself, in the extent to which you have used your gifts and talents to lighten and enrich the lives of your fellow men. In your hands lies the future of your world and the fulfillment of the best qualities of your own spirit." Robert F. Kennedy

This quote caught my eye yesterday at the top of the editor's column in a parenting magazine. I read it over several times, and thought it worth sharing. Not only does it present a challenge to us to 'work for the better'...it reminded me that the only 'earthly' judgement worth my regard is my own. At the end of the day I have to decide whether or not I did my best with what I had, or not.

Obviously it is a gross understatement to say that we, as individuals, are multi-faceted. And yet, I make that a point here, because of my current train of thought.

I am first and foremost an individual. Yes, I am a mother...and yes, it is a large part of my identity these days. But to define myself as only 'mother' detracts from all my other skills, talents and interests. And it also reduces my own vision of what I am capable of achieving.

As a mother, I want the best for my child. But as an individual, I want happiness. I believe those two goals can be achieved hand in hand. What I don't believe is that in order to provide my child with the best that I have to offer, I need to sacrifice aspects of my own personality.

Up until the very recent present, I have lived my life fearing criticism. I have been afraid to attract notice, to be perceived as different or unique, and to not suit everyones' images of me. Because of that fear I have gone through these odd cyclical stages....one moment trying to fit the mold, the next rebelling. What makes this sad to realize is that in doing so, I lost track of who I really was. And what I, individually, have to offer.

Thankfully, in that most basic sense of restoring balance, I have a circle of very smart, intuitive and caring friends who ground me in the reality of who I really am. They know me as a friend and a mother, as an artist and performer, as a creator and as a flawed individual. And they remind me that I am all those things and more, when I feel under siege.

As I get older, I realize all the more the need to take accountability in the simplest sense. I make the choices that feel right to me. I put the clothing on that suits my mood. I nurture myself and my child in the way that comes naturally to me. And I pursue those activities which interest me.

It's not about gaining or losing approval. The fundamental key to happiness, I believe, is finally figuring out who you are, what you stand for and chasing after your own dreams.

My dreams are both simple and complex...and at the root of all them lies happiness, contentment and growth.

...comfort in a cup, hugs in a blanket, and tissues without tears...

Ok...the week wasn't totally bad. I have some really fabulous friends. And one in particular takes the cake. She sent us a care package with COFFEE (Dunkin' Donuts Hazlenut...the best!!!)and all sorts of assorted goodies, including a handmade gift for the mister man...a knot blanket made out of Spiderman fleece! Cozy, comfy warmness! :) We both love it! And boy, let me tell you, opening a care package in the middle of your living room with the mister man doing some sort of crazy bouncy happy dance is about as good as it gets. Feel the love! And we managed to make it all the way to the following morning before digging in to the biscuit mix and coffee.
Admittedly, I did "re-wrap" one of the goodies in the care package, so I would have something under the Christmas Tree to unwrap!

We also got a lovely package from my mom for St. Nikolaus' Day. Kudos on the presentation, despite, I'm sure, the U.S.P.S.'s best efforts to shake, rattle and roll the contents to smithereens! Finally, I have a flat wire whisk...all the better to cook with! Thanks Mom! And she sent the mister man the coolest craft "my tissue art"...comes with precut colored tissue paper squares and pre-sticky-ed shapes to stick them on to make cute artwork. Fun and (potentially) mess-free! He is so psyched for his friend Nick to come over for arts'n'crafts. Now if only I could get her to the comfort level of computer savviness that is required to read this blog! Hah!

Speaking of...over the summer we had a weekly arts'n'crafts session with friends here...and boy did we churn out some masterpieces. Honestly, I always knew I was creative (musical theatre, much?) but I never really thought I had much of a knack for hands-on art...drawing, painting, etc... How wrong I was...I have since learned that I am the go-to mom for inspiration on craft projects. Coolness!
Anyhow, maybe we'll have to reinstate those sessions this winter. It would be a nice breakup in the week, and a chance for some full on social skills work.

...imps, gremlins, and 'almost 5' year-olds...

This past week has again been difficult. I used to say we had 'a' days and 'b' days. "A" meant it was an autism day, with the mister man's quirks and issues on red alert. And 'b'...that meant better, the days when he could conceivably "pass" for a typical child. How often I have expressed my annoyance that autism doesn't present itself physically...in public it just looks like bad mom/beastly child.
Anyhow, as of late, it's been a series of strictly 'a' days...and bad ones at that. The mister man, while cute and adorable and arguably the love of my life, can also be my worst nightmare. He goes through what I call 'power surges'...these vast time periods where his behaviour is completely without control...and as he gets older he becomes more physically violent and harder to contain. It's as though I have two children, or at the very least, two sides to one. On one hand I have my loveable, cuddleable gentleman of a boy...the one who loves his mami and tries so very hard to control his own autistic tendencies. And then there's the flip side with the emotional outbursts that go on for days and the mass destruction and the hitting-kicking-biting-slapping free for all. And I'll tell you, honestly, sometimes, it is very hard to love the child that is inflicting pain on me.
What makes it so much more frustrating is that he reserves that behaviour solely for me...yeah for trust. Which means no one else ever really grasps that he is capable of so much fury.
Thankfully, as I wrote before, this is all sort of cyclical. For the most part we'll have a stretch of 'b' days with some low-incidence 'a' days sprinkled throughout. And then every once in a while something throws that whole cycle and life becomes...difficult... Such was the case for most of the late spring/summer and now it seems it's starting up again.
I've already dissected every part of the day...diet, sensory profile, sleep pattern, temperature, etc.... And I still can't figure out the cause, which means I can't fix it! I do think allergies plays a part, at least in the summer months. I don't know if maybe the extreme cold and therefore dry air also is affecting him. But I do know that for sure, he processes physical and emotional pains in an extremely wonky way. Almost opposite-world. So if there is some physical issue or discomfort going on, it's completely reasonable that he is processing it emotionally...hence the behaviour.
Ugh!!!!