...compromise is a dirty word... (back dated post)

No. Really. It is.

The very act of compromising is based on giving in, giving up, or letting go.

Yeah, yeah, I know...it's all for the greater good and all that. Compromise is touted as the great mediator, the final resolution to end all disputes. People seek it out when conflict is getting the better of them. Corporations pay big money to hire fancy lawyers to make it happen at any cost. Even friends and families find themselves living in a flux state of day to day compromise.

Face it: In this 'modern age' of ours, we're handing in our wishes and dreams for a daily dose of compromise and not even counting the losses.

(Let me be clear. I'm not completely knocking it. There's plenty of dirty words out there that can be quite useful, possibly necessary and maybe even a little fun!)

Anyhow, getting back to the point...

Compromise is definitely another tool in our arsenal of social interactions. It's in there with all the other communicative devices: tone and eye contact and proximity. It's a way of making someone else feel heard, and understood and validated. Unfortunately, unlike some of the other tools like laughter and smiles...the implications are not so obvious. Honestly, the darn thing should just come with a warning label. It's got some major consequences after all. Something along the lines of:
"will directly cause some degree of disappointment"
or
"grand potential can become diminished by frequent use"
could be helpful. If people only knew that compromise is just a fancy way of saying 'trade in your high hopes for mediocre ones' I seriously doubt they'd be so eager to reach it.

The reality though is that we are raised to be compromisers...not fighters. We chasten the bickering toddlers and tell them to share the coveted object. We harp on the teenager to at least complete half of the assigned task. We cajole our employees or employers into giving in to constraints or expectations. We even strive for the 50/50 in our relationships.

When did it become ok to stop scrapping for what we really want out of life?

And when did it become ok to trade in hard work-planning-saving-education (or whatever the groundwork may have been) for only half of the dream?

Go ahead: 'google' it...I'm not the only one who thinks so...

...the shape of things to come...

This week one of my facebook posts asked the question: "Which came first, the autistic 7 yr. old or the insomniac mom". I was referencing our current homefront struggle with sleep issues that has spun a bit out of control this week.

(A little backstory: Mister Man has, throughout his life, gone through periods of time where he won't sleep for days on end. Usually these time periods are also fraught with hyperactivity and hypo sensitivity. It happens sporadically, maybe every three or four months. And I've never yet been able to predict it or tie it down to any one cause.)

At any rate, we're in of those periods now. And let me tell you, having a very active boy still needing your attention and assistance at 4am after an already long day can be a bit hard to take.

I've had to modify my old approach from when we lived alone in Ohio, to suit where we're currently at...but feel free to picture us camped out on a stack of fluffy blankets, sipping 'Sleepytime' tea and watching 'quiet' movies into the wee hours. For added accuracy colour in the ever increasing purple-black circles under my eyes when I drag myself off the blanket-bed in the morning and grouse my way to a cup of coffee!

I've noticed this week that my former bounce-back-edness is fading. Used to be, I sort of just rolled with the punches. Sure, three days of wakefulness and trying to sleep on the floor wasn't fun by any means, but I could do it and still function.

This time 'round though...ain't a-happenin'! My whole body is feeling the lack of sleep and cushioning! Muscles ache and burn, my head is dull and roary, I'm clumsy and forgetful. Ugh!

Meanwhile, Mister Man is a veritable ball of energy and life running circles around his speed-aging Mami. :(

-----

Cutting to the chase here and actually breathing life into this blog post's title...this week's sleeptime shenanigans have me wondering about this whole parenting thing. Who's doing the shaping and molding here? Is it the parent who consciously chooses to direct and guide her child....or is it the child's very existence that alters a life from one course to another?

Certainly I can look at my own experience and find examples to support both hypotheses here...but my question goes deeper than what I am able to offer up. Who is being germinated here...the baby/child/young man/adult that I am raising, or the mother/employee/friend/woman that I was/am/will be.

(See? Confusion! Hence the need for backslashes!)

Used to be that the subtitles under my name were defined by what I had been working towards. Singer. Dancer. Actress. My young years and even my young adulthood were spent in a whirlwind of activity...every moment working towards what I wanted to become.

Little did I imagine at the time that something as simple as meeting my now ex-husband could knock me so far off course as to change my final destination completely.

Fast forward through all the grim and gruesome (and sometimes glorious) to the present and you'll find me a woman whose main focus involves her identity as a parent to a special needs child. Certainly I owe a great deal of credit (for my self-perceived success in my current role!) to those skills I cultivated as a young person. My creative side is the sole basis for how I approach challenges. And my love of the arts helps bring joy to the direst of circumstances. But all that acknowledged, I can say without a doubt that this is not the life I envisioned when I was young.

Motherhood has changed me. Therefore my mothering has changed. The parent I might have been is not. And it's not a static existence in this mothering aspect. It's as though the parameters are malleable...outside influences wend their way in, causing minor changes here and there, and further down the line I am something else.

Just as important...motherhood has changed me...in all areas of my life. I am a different friend/employee/person than I was.

My real curiosity is this...having noted the changes that have already occurred in these 7 years, who am I becoming? What other changes loom on the horizon?

And...how much of it can I hope to control? Do I have some hand in my own future self? Can I take in the reigns of destiny and declare who and how I want to be?

(Note: I believe I can. Let's see what happens.)

...small words...

What a blessing today was.

In the midst of some great tumult in my life, my son and I were able to take today to refocus in on what is most important and really, truly be happy for the moment.

I'm proud of myself tonight as I reflect on where I was 10 years ago, who I am today and what I may become. With all this comfort of time passed by, I now find it easy to see the shining moments more clearly than the dark. The sorrows and heartbreaks and fears of the past have indeed faded with time...receding in the face of minor triumphs and major glories.

It really is a matter of (as I told the Mister Man while kissing him goodnight) never, ever forgetting to dream bigger and better than what you dreamt last.

I know the hard knocks will keep on coming. And I know sometimes I'll stumble, sometimes I'll fall...sometimes I will fail. But I know that pushing onward and upward is the only satisfying way to get through life. And in years to come I know we'll have a great story to tell.

...oh happy day...

Mister Man and I are having a blast today...celebrating our annual Family Anniversary Day!
Born of the necessity to take the negative power out of my wedding anniversary date and create a special way of honoring who and how we are now as a family, we recognize this important date each year. It's the day I take off work, Mister Man takes off 'work-school-etc' and we indulge in every whim and whimsy we can come up with to build fun memories that will last a lifetime.

The truth is...had I not made that all important decision to marry my ex...this imperfectly perfect family of mine would not exist. And that is definitely worth celebrating!

On this day I can look back on the road to here and now and look forward to all the years and celebrations to come!

Mister Man and I wish you all an oh-so-happy day and want to remind you to embrace every day for the gift that it is!

...the rewards of a good education...

With the soundtrack of 'De-Lovely' on repeat, and his Mami singing along over a sink full of dishes, Mister Man is busy at the kitchen table this morning...having set a new challenge for himself regarding the completion of his math workbook. Yesterday, I'm so proud to relate, he raced to the end of his reading comprehension workbook and won his reward. Today he's going for gold again and I've no doubt by the end of the day his 'Bank of J-Bug Vault' jar will be overflowing with all the new rewards "bucks" he's been earning for himself.



Our summer-homeschool session is well underway, having begun the Monday after his Kindergarten year ended. And it's been going exceptionally well. I asked for a lot of input from Mister Man himself in creating the structured program and that seems to have added another motivational factor into his completing each task. He's taking more of an interest in the work because he had a say in what that work would be. Now wouldn't that be nice to see translated into an adult real-world workplace? Hah! Of course, I'm not negating the impact of a handy rewards system to perk up the student when boredom strikes or energy lags!



And having the rewards envelope present at every school-session serves as a visual reminder that it's enclosed treasures are ripe for the picking...Mister Man need only stay focused and complete the task assigned and he'll be able to add to his stash!



So far, so GREAT! At the rate we've been able to manage, we may well get into a good deal of 2nd grade curriculum before Mister Man's 1st grade school year starts in the fall.

...sorry and the single mom...

When I found my self preemptively apologizing for my son...for the millionth time...to a girlfriend we were out with some nights ago, it gave me pause. What was I doing? Was this just another facet of my 'cover all the bases' mindset? Was it guilt that I couldn't be totally focused on her, my friend? Was it a defense mechanism kicking in? Was it an attempt to dissuade her from thinking to herself that Mister Man is a handful...a terror...a brat?!?! What was going on that fired off this rapid 'I apologize in advance' response?

And it got me to thinking...in this mixed bag of friendship with Mom-friends, Guy-friends, Married-friends, Single-friends...where do I fit comfortably? It is, in fact, completely natural for us to seek to define ourselves by the traits of our friends. A 'well she and I have that in common but I'm more ___ and she's more ___ ' mentality. And let's just toss the special-needs parent thing into the mix while we're at it, shall we? After all, it can be a great divider.

Certainly there is great value in having a wide variety of people in one's life. I'm a firm believer in friendship as a growing mechanism. Why seek out only people similar to oneself...what can one truly learn from a mirror that one didn't already know, right? So I tend to surround myself with people who are very different from myself and I feel as though that helps me learn all sort of new things...music, culture, techniques, lifestyles, etc... In essence, being friends with people who are different from me enriches my life and leads me to try new things and open up to new possibilities.

Now, that said, it also means I'm not friends with my 'twin' (if she exists)...I don't have a girlfriend who is single parenting an autistic child...whose life story mirrors mine, whose daily struggles and triumphs are second-nature to me.

And so, there is some sense that I go about apologizing for the life I don't have to the friends I do have.

~ 'I'm sorry' to the single friends who want to go out on a Friday night...'I don't have a babysitter'.

~ 'I'm sorry' to the married friends who want to host a dinner 'I don't have a date to keep the numbers even'.

~ 'I'm sorry' to the mom friends 'Mister Man can't handle group activities'.

~ 'I'm sorry' to the guy friends 'I can't hit the bar tonight and be hung over tomorrow'.

~ 'I'm sorry' to everyone 'But Mister Man is part of the package deal'.

It's an overwhelming amount of apologizing to do on a regular basis, right?

Of course the real question is 'why do I keep apologizing'? After all, in this day and age, it's passe to apologize. Ever. For anything. This is the era of reaction...positive, negative...it's all good. As long as there's a reaction people feel validated. And yet, here I am, making countless apologies for the very life I lead.

The only real bit of insight I can offer is this. I apologize because I realize that what works for me wouldn't work for most. I apologize because I want you to know that I find merit in your choices and your lifestyles, while still knowing that mine is the best for me. I apologize because I don't want you to feel that I'm not sensitive to your annoyances, or discomforts, or desires. I apologize because some of you just don't get it yet. I apologize because I want you to know that those other parts of me still exist. I apologize because a huge part of who I am in the here and now is the single mother of a special-needs child...and that responsibility trumps all my minor roles.

And sometimes I even apologize to myself...cause I'd love to take the night off and be the fun, charming single gal I think I once was.

Now, I'm waiting...who is going to let me off the hook and say 'quit apologizing already'?

....my hands are small I know...

I may indeed spend more time apologizing for breaks in posting, than I do in posting itself. Oh dear!

So let me just take the easy route here and say...

I've Hit The Wall.

It's not often I find myself overwhelmed. In fact I think it's usually a point of pride with me that I can usually 'cover all the bases'. My friends view me as the 'gets the job done' gal, employers know I'm the queen bee of efficiency and multitasking, and my son believes (and rightly so) that this Mami can do anything!

Lately though, I've been breaking the rules...and maybe breaking down just a wee bit here, there and everywhere. To say my cup is full is pure idiocy...that darn thing's been overflowing for years...and now it's spilling over into every aspect of my life. I *might* have taken on more than I can handle...but Ssssh...don't tell! ;)

I know I'm usually pretty open-book-y here in regards to a lot of what is happening in my life but I don't feel like that's appropriate right now because of who might read what I'm writing. So in that regard I'm taking a huge step back and processing through entirely on my own.

That said, I fully intend to get a few new posts up here over the course of this week. I'm a debtor at this point...owing back postings of pictures chronicling Mister Man's final school days, pictures from the last month or so, cheap chic finds, and some insight into what's filling my days right now.

So for those of you still checking back in for the highlights of this 'single Mami life', for pics of and vignettes about Mister Man, for moments of fashion and fluff, or for whatever other random drivel I tend to feel the need to write about....thanks for your patience and apparent hopefulness that I'll be back in full-force at some point.