...sorry and the single mom...

When I found my self preemptively apologizing for my son...for the millionth time...to a girlfriend we were out with some nights ago, it gave me pause. What was I doing? Was this just another facet of my 'cover all the bases' mindset? Was it guilt that I couldn't be totally focused on her, my friend? Was it a defense mechanism kicking in? Was it an attempt to dissuade her from thinking to herself that Mister Man is a handful...a terror...a brat?!?! What was going on that fired off this rapid 'I apologize in advance' response?

And it got me to thinking...in this mixed bag of friendship with Mom-friends, Guy-friends, Married-friends, Single-friends...where do I fit comfortably? It is, in fact, completely natural for us to seek to define ourselves by the traits of our friends. A 'well she and I have that in common but I'm more ___ and she's more ___ ' mentality. And let's just toss the special-needs parent thing into the mix while we're at it, shall we? After all, it can be a great divider.

Certainly there is great value in having a wide variety of people in one's life. I'm a firm believer in friendship as a growing mechanism. Why seek out only people similar to oneself...what can one truly learn from a mirror that one didn't already know, right? So I tend to surround myself with people who are very different from myself and I feel as though that helps me learn all sort of new things...music, culture, techniques, lifestyles, etc... In essence, being friends with people who are different from me enriches my life and leads me to try new things and open up to new possibilities.

Now, that said, it also means I'm not friends with my 'twin' (if she exists)...I don't have a girlfriend who is single parenting an autistic child...whose life story mirrors mine, whose daily struggles and triumphs are second-nature to me.

And so, there is some sense that I go about apologizing for the life I don't have to the friends I do have.

~ 'I'm sorry' to the single friends who want to go out on a Friday night...'I don't have a babysitter'.

~ 'I'm sorry' to the married friends who want to host a dinner 'I don't have a date to keep the numbers even'.

~ 'I'm sorry' to the mom friends 'Mister Man can't handle group activities'.

~ 'I'm sorry' to the guy friends 'I can't hit the bar tonight and be hung over tomorrow'.

~ 'I'm sorry' to everyone 'But Mister Man is part of the package deal'.

It's an overwhelming amount of apologizing to do on a regular basis, right?

Of course the real question is 'why do I keep apologizing'? After all, in this day and age, it's passe to apologize. Ever. For anything. This is the era of reaction...positive, negative...it's all good. As long as there's a reaction people feel validated. And yet, here I am, making countless apologies for the very life I lead.

The only real bit of insight I can offer is this. I apologize because I realize that what works for me wouldn't work for most. I apologize because I want you to know that I find merit in your choices and your lifestyles, while still knowing that mine is the best for me. I apologize because I don't want you to feel that I'm not sensitive to your annoyances, or discomforts, or desires. I apologize because some of you just don't get it yet. I apologize because I want you to know that those other parts of me still exist. I apologize because a huge part of who I am in the here and now is the single mother of a special-needs child...and that responsibility trumps all my minor roles.

And sometimes I even apologize to myself...cause I'd love to take the night off and be the fun, charming single gal I think I once was.

Now, I'm waiting...who is going to let me off the hook and say 'quit apologizing already'?