...homeward bound...

I know there are those of you...maybe two or three in all...who are wondering when I'm planning on getting back to blogging. Just a quick heads up then from me...we're still in transition with this whole moving thing and until we're settled in firmly in our new place, I'm not online often enough to blog.
Keep your fingers crossed!

...declarations of worthlessness...

So...
...we're moving...
Yup, I wrote it, therefore it must be true!
And let me tell you, this whole pack up your life in a box and go thing was much easier before the invention of mister man!
Our house is so full of stuff...good stuff, bad stuff, everything in between. And now I actually have to take hands-on ownership of said stuff and decide if it's worthwhile or not?!?
I'm thoroughly overwhelmed by the work I have created for myself in making this decision. The planning, the picking, the packing... Argh!!!!!
And the lists...oh my...the lists...
I am, by my own admission, something of a compulsive list maker. But now it might just be getting a tad bit out of control. Every friend and acquaintance who lives nearby now has a list in his or her name...of things I may just pass on to them. And then there's the Craig's List List, the Ebay List, the drop-at-thrift-store List, the Once Upon a Child List, the return to parents' List...etc...
And that's just for objects!
That doesn't included the lists of intangibles!!!
Oh my...I think I need to make a list of all my lists so I can keep track of them.

(PS-Can't I just make things easier on myself my lighting a match and walking away? After all, they do say 'the more things you own, the more you are owned by your things'...and I'm not a fan of being owned. Facebookers and Myspacers take note...I do NOT want to owned as human pet...so stop offering to buy me!)

...one stone makes many ripples...

Someone I know took the time to check in and see how I was doing...and just that little act made such a difference. Her kind words and genuine interest took away the bitter tang of going through things alone and reminded me that there are people I can reach out to when I feel like I need to.
What I NEED to remember is that I should reach out and ask others to help me work through things instead of doing all on my own.

...so in need of a groundhog day...

Wake up, grumble, grouch, repeat....
Ugh...today went downhill fast, though I'm still holding out hope that the afternoon will bring a miracle cure.
Getting caught in the shower fully soaped and shampooed...with no water...yup, that'll make a day turn grey right quick!
I'm trying desperately to get the mister man's appointments booked and failing miserably. Apparently all the 'cool' therapists are full up until fall. Niiiiice!
And to add the cherry on top...the mister man in his brilliance decided to purloin a jelly jar from the fridge and smuggle it up to his bedroom, where evidence suggests he not only ate it, he also fingerpainted with it!
Fun stuff!

...when it's worth the effort...

A friend of mine recently came to visit and brought me coffee. Now granted, it's kind of a no-brainer...the me-likey-coffee shtick. But still...I think it's pretty phenomenal, especially since it's Dunkin'Donuts whole bean.

So now, as I sit here with my freshly pressed steaming mug of joe, I'm wondering when is it okay to just say I deserve the good stuff? And more importantly, when is it ok to just throw out the poor quality substitute?

There's a lot of things in my life that can only be called substitutions...from the town house apartment we STILL live in which was supposed to have magically transformed into home ownership two years ago, to the canned veggies in the cupboard, to a good 90% of my wardrobe.

Yesterday we stopped by E's house on our way up to Sherritt's Market so the mister man could play with E and B for a bit. While there, we got to chatting about the rising gas prices (urgh!) and food costs...and then she said she'd finally had it. Had what? It! It-with the cheapo yard sale strollers that she'd been wasting money on all these years. (PS-she now has three little ones) It-with the fact that she's home going crazy with three strong willed kids all day and her husband thinks buying a $300 tool to dig a few holes in the back yard is worth it. And in a conspiratorial and slightly embarassed tone told me she had just put down $500 plus on a high end, all the bells and whistles double-stroller.

Hurrah for women everywhere!

Don't hold me to it...and don't throw it in my face, but I'll admit, I kind of sort of maybe want to read:


E was good enough to point out to me the fact that my parenting is directly affected by my own level of contentment and happiness...and if all I do and have goes straight to the kid, what am I left with to care for myself...

The upshot of all this...tomorrow we're headed to Trader Joe's to stock out cupboards with food that is both good and good for us...and yes, I'll be splurging on one thing JUST FOR MYSELF!

...what to do with my impromptu...

I'm ready to move...and yet I'm not.

That seems to have been the ever-present refrain of my life for the past four years now.

This solo journey of parenting and life in general can get quickly overwhelming as soon as I really start incurring changes. I feel like maybe it's a matter of taking the bandage off...just ripping things up really quickly and moving on before I get a chance to process the feelings. But on the flip side I worry that if I act to quickly I'll miss something or worse yet, make things difficult for my son.

I know we need to move...I've known it since the day I sat in the offices of legal aid filling out papework to file a restraining order against my spouse. And yet...four years later we're still 'just starting' the process. I worry all the time that no matter what decisions I make they will be the wrong ones...and it's that fear that keeps me staying put. The devil you know...

So this time I'm taking a new approach and covering all the bases. While I narrow down my search options for where to move to, I'm making sure to leave the doors open here. The mister man is re-enrolled in school for next year though I very well know that I don't want to be here next year. And at the same time that I'm locating a new school and new therapists for him, I'm making sure he's set up fully with services here. I'm redoing the interior of our home and downsizing our belongings even while I'm mentally packing things up. And yes, my head is spinning...

...winds of change...

I woke up this morning...again...to rain...and the great grey sky...and thought 'what happened to spring?". For the past two months the overwhelming majority of days has been damp and chilly. So I turn on the cd player and pop in Guster...'woke up today...to everything grey..." and dance around the kitchen making coffee.

As already noted, I've been lax in updating this blog lately...my mind has been elsewhere and my current insomnia means every time I sit down all I want to do is snooze...which doesn't make for exceptional writing...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

I was thinking the other day how it's funny that we really do let the seasons rule our lives. Fall ALWAYS means back to school...Winter ALWAYS means celebration and goal-making, Spring ALWAYS means renewal and re-assesment... And this year was no exception. Now that spring is here, albeit damp and grey, I'm tackling projects that symbolize renewal...priming and painting the home I shared with my ex-husband and laying to rest the ghost of mutual decisions...emptying the house of things that need to be replaced or are excess or have to many memories attached...and downsizing our belongings to suit the life we do have instead of the one I used to think we should have.

BTW...painting on ceilings is a sure way to wake up with upper arm cramps!