...headed for a breakdown...

It's been...a minute...since my fingers hit the keyboard in *this space* and I'm not all that sure, as my fingers fly, of where the words will go or what they will decide to say.

I started this year with fresh perspective and lessons learned.

I started it with an end goal, and the strategies to get there.

I started it with a word.

And here I am, start of March, covered in scabs from freshly-picked wounds.

Mother-wounds
Inner-child wounds
Trauma-wounds

February was a whole thing.  A month. 
A slow-motion crash? A journey? A karmic joke?

 February was a bubbling up of things I meant to address...someday, somehow...not now... 

Ha!  'Cause that usually works out so well for me!

February was the stretching of scar tissue and tearing of stitches and the knowledge that my journey to healing was going to involve reliving the past and getting wounded all over again.

February was a month of connection and division.
 Of frantically trying to snuff out both little sparks and raging wildfires.
Of trying to clear all the refuse and somehow compartmentalize each action item despite the impossible tangle of intersections.

February saw my intention to heal and said, "Great idea...so, hey let's go ahead and break you all the way down to your original parts first with a series of completely overwhelming experiences."
And I had no choice but to turn myself over to the process.
This time...opening myself up to the realness of it all...feeling the feelings and poking at the damaged parts...allowing that pain to wash over me afresh...

Because...
Healing means:
   breaking bad habits
breaking down unstable barriers
breaking toxic patterns

Healing means Addressing It All ~ Analyzing It All ~ Accepting It All...

...and only then, Releasing It All and moving forward in wholeness.

~~~

So here is March, and I'm slightly woozy from the wounding and rebandaging.

But I'm on my way.
Little pieces I'd left in shambles are...reconstituting...resurfacing...reanimating.
Little bits of me I'd buried are coming back to the surface, and I'm learning...daily...how to share the beauty of them with my family and with myself.

I'm healing those wounds and those patterns and those foundations.

It's slow...and altogether unsteady...with sudden gaping drop-aways...but it's happening...

Healing.