...Happy 20th Birthday...

 You are the spark:
the fire...
the blaze of new ideas...
of passion matched with both skill and intellect.

You are the phoenix:

ever rising...

shedding off the challenges and naysayers...

staying forever true to your inner self.

You are the slayer of dragons...

the forger of paths...

the teacher and the guide.

You, beloved son...

are the brightest light I've ever known.

Happy 2Oth birthday!

...as 19 fades...

"The clock's run down,

but hours left,

before it strikes its last.

Then 19 fades,

I'm left bereft,

to miss what's now your past.

Another one,

to take your place,

I'll meet by morning light.

A man of 20,

to replace,

the teen I kissed goodnight."

~~~

You.

Miracle of miracles.

Questioner. Challenger. Defender.

This year, beyond all others, has been your definer. I have seen firsthand the refining and polishing...the embracing of all your facets. I have watched you become wholly yourself.

I have held my breath as you took tentative steps in new directions, cheered myself hoarse as you received awards and recognitions, and paused to fully live in the beauty of your brotherhood.

You have challenged social constructs, outdated notions, and stigmas surrounding disability and bigotry.

You've used your experiences to ensure that others won't endure what you did.

You've opened up new worlds for those following in your footsteps.

You've lent your time/energy/intellect/skill to others' problems and causes.

You've devoted yourself to your little brother and molded yourself into everything he needs you to be on any given day.

I have watched in awe. I have loved you.

I will miss this you...this 19 year old you who shook it all off (all the hurt and pain and disappointment of years of bullying) and claimed his rightful place. Who chose himself and became himself. I will miss the late night chats and the silent exchanges over early morning brew. I will miss that little bit of awkward colt that still existed beneath the capable shoulders and snarky wit.

I will miss this you, like all the others gone before.

How lucky I have been, to be your mother.

My heart. My hero. 

...tied up in knots...

Healing.

My word of the year for 2023.

Healing.

The literal and the figurative.

The physical and the abstract.

The body and the mind...or the heart...or the soul...or the lost, lonely inner-child still looking for a soft place to land...

It's more than a word, as I'm coming to realize.  More, even, than a change of lifestyle.

It is painstakingly untangling all the mess of all the intersecting traumas, and the barricades and avoidant/reactive responses that I once thought of as a safety net.

Healing is finding that every time I cautiously pull one on small thread to see if I can loosen it and pull myself free, it snags on something else.

Damage spreads, like a hairline fracture that gradually becomes deeper and longer.   The hits leave behind bruises...flesh and spirit becoming weaker and more sensitive.

And housed within one body...one mind...trauma and pain grow in overlapping layers, each spreading out and attaching to others.

The breaking of you becomes the making of you.

Which means, I'm only just now reconciling...

The making of me, will likely require the breaking of me.

Because some of those knots can't be untangled.  Some of them weren't made by me.

Those knots?

I have to just cut.

Cut, and hope that the whole tangled mess doesn't collapse in on itself.

Those knots are at the center.

~the unwanted child~

~the shattered victim~

The hard part of healing is that it isn't just one thing...one piece...one string at a time.  They all pull on each other and fight for dominance.  And the harder you pull on just the one thing that you think you can tackle today, the more you risk snapping that string and breaking the fragile web of safety knots with which, you've surrounded yourself.

So healing isn't easy.

Okay.

I guess.

I mean, if it was, wouldn't I have already done it?

Healing isn't easy.

Or linear.

You can't cram it into the calendar...one date at a time.

Because every step forward is impeded by a pull-back in some other area you weren't ready to acknowledge yet.

Healing is exhausting.

It's insomnia and panic-attacks.

It's adrenaline-surges and trembling hands.

It's forgetting how to form words and feeling your feet step backwards even as you are willing them to cross the threshold.

It's journaling...daily...taking note of every sensory reaction...the length...the aftershocks...and the recovery time.

It's tripping over strings you might have untangled but haven't yet discarded.

It's celebrating one success, but not being able to move toward the next.

Healing is hurting.

Healing is breaking down.

Healing is trying to break things down into smaller pieces, only to have them multiply and solidify and burrow down even deeper.

My healing, right now, is a repeated circuit of picking at one tangle at a time, to see if there are any loose threads I can pull out.

My healing is an exercise in exorcism...as old, unhealed wounds rise to the surface once again.

I'm tired.

I feel defeated.

I want to give up or give in or just settle, again.

Which is why these words are on this page, today.

To hold me accountable.

To dare me to try again tomorrow.

And hopefully...

to remind me, someday, of how far I've come.

...February : The List...

Thank goodness for another clean slate, courtesy of a new month.

January...did not go as planned...

The first part spent in "quarantine" as one, then another and another of us got sick...plans postponed, then cancelled and mourned.  Schedules re-scheduled, then abandoned all together.

As a result, we spent the second half of the month...the "recovery mode" portion, playing catch up on the basics...work and appointments and early intervention and therapies and volunteer commitments all getting crammed into the few remaining days. 

Is it any wonder that I'm starting off this new month feeling equal parts frantic and frustrated?

But, I have a plan.

Or, rather...plans...

Some of which, as you can see, are simply "forwarded" from last month to this one,
whether for want of real, heavy winter snowfall and freezing temps,
or because we just didn't manage to squeeze them in.  

Here's to hoping we get each one checked off this time around!

Cheers to a new month, and new possibilities!

❒  -> build and decorate our fairy house and plant it in the woods

❒ -> go on a rock hunt for round white rocks and build snowmen with them

❒ -> ”spraypaint” pictures in the snow with spraybottles of water/food coloring

❒ -> make snow-eis

❒ -> explore one of NJ’s waterfalls in the winter…look for ice flows

❒ -> walk the beach and gather shells, rock, seaglass….bundle up!

❒ -> drive to a desolate spot and stargaze at night, with hot cocoa!

❒ re-tile the entryway area

❒ daytrip to a new locale in New York State

❒ daytrip to a new locale in Pennsylvania

❒ dinner with just Johannes

❒ lunch with just Henri

❒ schedule and book our first post-Covid overnight trip

❒ teach Henri 3 new signs

❒ visit a children’s museum

❒ take Henri on a train ride

❒ daytrip to RedBank for gluten-free goodies and sea-salt air

❒ have dessert for dinner

❒ visit Ringing Rocks Park

❒ go on another weekend thrift haul, complete with a picnic lunch

❒ make chocolate covered strawberries with Henri…don’t forget the sprinkles!

Let's check back in on the 28th and see how many boxes we ✔ off!

...february plans...

 

...January : The List...recap

 Farewell, January.

I wish I could say it was all that and more...but...ummm...

We spent more than half of it sick and/or recovering.

So yeah...best laid plans and all that.

Despite that, we did manage to check off a good portion of our January Bucket List and I'm totally ok with rolling some of these unchecked boxes over into February, without a backward glance.

And, to be fair, our tangle with the 'Tripledemic' might actually have created time/opportunity for us to check off  few boxes we might not have, such as:

~dessert for breakfast

~sleeping in and eating breakfast while watching cartoons

~and having breakfast for dinner...which happened frequently at the height of my illness! 

We had just a few sprinkles of snowfall, here and there.  Not enough to settle in and hunker down, but one day afforded us just enough snow to get Henri on his little blue sled and race him and down the hill...before the rain melted it all away. I'm hopeful that February will bring us a good dollop of the white stuff and we'll be able to really enjoy some outdoor play.

A few trips both at the start and at the end, meant we got in our fill of both thrifted treasures and mouthwatering eats!  I've been quite lucky, lately, at the local thrift stores...miraculously finding just the right thing or a pretty good replacement...particularly when it comes to therapeutic aids (pt/ot) for my youngest. 

We went to the Morris Museum, which was both a win and a loss: the current rotating exhibitions were definitely not our scene and the permanent exhibitions seem to have lost their luster.  But, the train display did not disappoint!  Henri's deep in his train phase (a standard of boyhood, I should think) and couldn't get enough!  Afterwards we tried out a new-to-us Morristown restaurant, Town and were blown away by our appetizer feast!  Gorgeous platings of fresh, decadent flavors. Pricey (by our budget), but well worth it for a delicious food adventure!

 New signs! Communication, in any form, is a win!

The kitchen was my playground this month, as I tried a few new dishes and made up others to use our pantry leftovers.  I did treat myself to a new cookbook...Danielle Walker's 'Healthy in a Hurry', to add to my collection of her work.  Great gluten-free and dairy-free options for this family!

 If the kitchen was my playground, it was Johannes' prison-yard.  Still working on getting him to be more confident with tools and with heat!

 Now granted, we're regular thrifters...but we did take time out to visit some new ones and brought along our lunches for the road.  Something for everyone: new toys, new books, and a treasure-box jammed full of pieces of my vintage glass collection!  The best part?  We more than made back what we spent, on eBay.

We had the perfect day, hiking along the South Mountain Fairy Trail and on to the waterfall...a first hike for Henri, who enjoyed almost every moment!  The fairy homes are beginning to really decline, but somehow that makes them more magical....I think...as they disappear into their surroundings.

 Johannes and I stopped off at Echo Lake Park, for another meander down to the falls, and a frantic gathering of pinecones just as the first raindrops began to fall. 

 We had quite the mess-making adventure the following day, slathering our pinecones in almond butter and birdseed.  Neither boy can tolerate sticky hands, so you can well imagine not only the mess, but the angst as we rolled sticky cones in seed!  The birds and squirrels have made their thanks known!

Henri's scissor skills still leave much to be desired, but he's making good progress.  I still can't get a handle of which handedness he prefers.

Johannes and I had THE BEST NIGHT...just the two of us, at Outback.  The food?  Eh...as expected.  The conversation? Next Level Awesome!  What a delight it is, to be able to drop our designated titles/roles...and just sit down to a meal together as genuine best friends.

The freezer is well stocked (minus cookies!) with all manner of goodness for those days when we're running.  I love batch cooking, and filling up the larder.  This month, I made two different chilis, pulled pork, and 3 different soups.  We're definitely stocked for the month ahead!

Henri and I have been enjoying evening storytime at our local library this month. We'd begun going early in the fall (after attending virtual programs for the past few years) but gave up and gave in to feelings of defeat, when he couldn't sit still for the program. He's definitely a mover...and a shaker!  I resolved to go back and just let him experience it in his own way.  Thankfully, the librarian who leads the program is very understanding of littles who need to move.  Phew!

~~~

Okay, I'm out of time.

I have to say (or write) that this recap format does NOT work for me, but it was the best I could do in the little time I had available.

We've had a really hard time getting back to any semblance of a predictable schedule, which means I don't have time to write. :(