There is both shame and serenity in realizing how insignificant you are.
Both exist, in equal measure.
Shame: of self, of purpose, of effort, of...hope founded in the unfulfilled need of the inner child. Shame in the wounds both caused and suffered, and the map of scars left behind.
Serenity: of...permission to detach, of finding the bottom and finding yourself still standing, of...hope unfettered. Serenity in the familiarity of the scars that knit you together.
The understanding of how very little you matter,
sometimes even to those who matter to you,
can blaze up suddenly...
and make cinders of all the formalities...the constructs...the obligations...
The understanding of how very little you matter can reveal itself in the smallest of moments...
an unmasked glimpse...
a careless turn of phrase...
a single photograph...
Like both a gut punch and a full breath...somehow, caught in the same moment.
Despair and deliverance.
Shame and serenity, in equal measure.
A 'putting in place'.
A relinquishment of responsibility to reparation or relationship.
That moment, suddenly there, where before there was angst and hesitation...
That moment...as though someone has unlocked the door on the gilded cage..
saying "you are free to go"
saying you are free of the cage
but
also
saying you aren't special enough to want to cage...to enclose...to keep...
saying...
you aren't important enough to take care of.
It is the very essence of bittersweet.
Realizing...
as you move through the shame and the serenity...
that you need no longer make yourself available...
that you can leave the door open, without also standing in it as guardian and greeter...
The understanding of how very little you matter,
sometimes even to those who matter to you,
is a lesson well learned but hard earned.
It's recognizing that 'the ties that bind' don't...
it's realizing that roots once severed grow divergent from one another...
it's resolving to be in the now...
It's moving through the shame and into what waits beyond it...
It's finding serenity in the present when we stop trying to fix the past...
It's cutting yourself loose and plotting the course without being swung by the weight of responsibility.
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