...22 (in days gone by)...

In Days Gone By:
19. September.2017

Just when you're ready to throw in the towel...

Lately I've been wrestling with my commitment to the organization I run. Let's be real-it's been one heck of an uphill battle. Just when one piece finally falls into place, at least four more drop off. Every. Single. Time. Fix one problem, another crops up. Set things in motion, only to fall flat. Or, better yet, ask for assistance and get NO'd to death.

I put countless hours into answering emails, brainstorming new strategies, vetting outside resources, and developing every piece of material from the ground up.

(All while not-quite balancing my actual work, family, etc...)

And yet, here we are a year and a half later and nothing to show for it. I've dumped in my endless (yeah right!) time, energy and money (yes, someone, namely me, pays for every single administrative item from printing to paperclips) and those very people benefitting from my labours and expenses can't be bothered to participate or rsvp or show up.

As I've expressed (loudly) over the course of the last few weeks, I feel as though my hands are tied. If it's not the administration trying to stall our efforts, then it's the other organizations we're building collaboration with. If it's not the other volunteers ignoring emails and tasks, than its the very members who can't be bothered to "opt in" via a quick message.

So yeah, you might say I've had it. Had it. Refused it. Sent it back for a full refund.

And then this evening...

Mid rant (girl's gotta let off the steam after all) I'm cut off and reminded why I'm doing it. "Because look what you made happen...J self-advocated. Who cares that it cost you almost a grand last year? He stood up for himself. Who cares that the money came out of your weekly food budget, or that you couldn't afford to take a vacation? He stood up for others. Who cares that you spent an hour walking to and from another hour's long meeting this morning that you have no stake in, listening to talk of food day vendors and insurance limits when you can't serve so much as a cup of coffee at your meetings without taking it out of your own wallet? Other parents saw what happens when you, as a parent advocate, led by example and raised him to be the bravest kid ever."

So yeah, I'm stuck here in this mire. This endless push and pull to get something new built on solid ground. This firm and steady shoving to put in place a strong foundation for what can be built in the future, long past my tenure as leader. And I'm stuck in my own wallet, shelling out for envelopes and printer cartridges instead of groceries.

And you know what? Just for tonight? That's ok.

I'm used to "making do".

We're used to barely making ends meet.

We're definitely used to rolling with the punches.

So just for tonight, it's handled. Just for tonight, I'm committed. Another chunk of change? Another 40 hours? Sure, why not? It's just another year before we're gone. And in that time...September to June? Who know what he'll watch me do? Who knows what he'll be inspired to do? Who knows who will be inspired by him?

No funds, no line items, no reimbursements?

That's fine, I'll pay for it.

No time or rsvps?

That's fine, the meeting's set and I'll be there no matter what.

One show instead of the 20 expected?

That's fine, quality over quantity.

He's watching me. Watching to see how it's done. I'll be damned if I let him see me give up. Falter? Sure. That's part of the process. Tire? Stumble? Hit a wall? Vent until steam comes out of my ears??? Ditto.

But give up? Hard NO. He's watching, and he knows one truth...

His Mami NEVER gives up.