...return to sender...

Every year...every single year...

I vow, as I address envelopes and affix stamps,

that next year will be different. 

Next year I'll start earlier.

Next year I'll buy my cards during the holiday clearance sales.

Next year I'll give in and just order photo cards.

Next year...

at the very least...

I'll get those damnable holiday greeting cards in the mail on time!

Needless to say..

road-paved-good intentions???

Holiday themed hell of my own creation...

as I scribbled greetings and signatures, and managed to inflict papercuts on both my lips and tongue hastily licking envelopes!  Merry Christmas...I bled for you!

But off they went, some to arrive before and some to meander in abysmally late to the party. 

(One year I had the brilliant idea sometime in November that instead of Christmas cards, I'd send New Year's cards.  Sure enough, that thought was replaced by the brilliance of Valentine's cards...only to die out come February.  Apologies to all those still waiting!)

Every year...every single year...

I vow, disgusted with myself,

that next year I will double-triple-quadruple check those addresses. 

Next year, I'll confirm contact info.

Next year, I'll email everyone for an update.

Next year...

at the very least...

I'll post a request on Facebook for addresses well in advance.

Needless to say...

I get at least one card "return to sender" stuffed in the mailbox come January every year.

(Here's where, in very small type, I admit that it's usually a family member's!)

(The shame!  The teeny tiny typed out shame of it all!)

 Now, much as I hate seeing that stamped out black or red "return to sender" headed in my direction (and let's be real, you know that envelope is practically covered in stamped-on reminders of your idiocy..."unable to deliver" "address does not exist" "improperly addressed", etc...and beat up beyond belief: torn, stepped on, soggy at the edges, etc...)  I'm more than happy to suggest some alternative uses.  

Let's stick with the mail theme for a moment, shall we?  And more specifically, holiday mail.  As in, that one card that arrives like clockwork every year to an internal chorus of groans and moans. 

You know the one.

From someone you thought you had successfully excised from your life.

The ex-BFF.

The ex-MIL.

The ex-business partner.

The...Ugh...Whomever!

 And there it is, practically shouting "Remember Me?!?" wedged in between catalogues and utility bills, a tangible key to the lock on your emotional outburst.  

(Thankfully-wait, since when?-oh right, for this particular situation...I live at the top of a long, steep driveway which affords me more than enough time to burn off that impulsive, immediate reaction before anyone else sees it!)

Now, wouldn't it be nice if right there...right then...there was a "return to sender" option?  Just stamp it, pop it in, and off it goes.  No muss-no fuss. 

No need to carry it past the threshold.

No need to see it staring up at you from the waste paper bin.

No temptation to peak inside and give in to the old feelings.  

Just "Return to Sender" and silence.

Speaking of silence...

What if???

What if there was a way to stamp that on verbal "correspondence"?

Boss's thank-you for a job well done another time-sensitive assignment before you've closed the books on the last one?  Return to Sender

MIL criticized your cleaning...baking...housekeeping...life? Return to Sender

Acquaintance hijacked your first tolerable morning mood in months with her ongoing relationship-woes-saga?  Return to Sender

Mother (or Father) reminded you, ever-so sweetly and with only the faintest hint of disapproval, that you're not quite living up to expectations?  Return to Sender. 

I'll be honest.  The potential freedom is intoxicating.  I'd be red-inking the world!  

Cat decided a 2:30 a.m. race round the kitchen, complete with full quartet of pots and pans, was in order?  I've got a fix for that.

Son's algebra teacher assigned extra homework just in time for the break?  No need to worry.

Arctic chill froze your hair on the way to warming up your car?  Fear not.

Mirror talked back at you this morning, and opted for snark?  I've got your back.

Return to Sender

Red stamps for you...and you...and you...let's just go full on Oprah on this...red stamps for all!

Don't mind me, I'll be over here at the kitchen table writing "Return to Sender" on all my utility bills...

~Leanna