...everything old is new again...

It can creep up on you sometimes, that feeling that the feelings you're feeling have all been felt before.  You'll have a moment, as I did, where you wonder what the point is...the point of persisting at the endless task of self-improvement when in all likelihood, you'll just find yourself here again.

~~~

The moment the holidays fizzled out in a haze of twinkle lights and champagne toasts, the rumblings began.  First just one comment here, then followed swiftly by a question, a query, a curiosity.  The new year was just round the corner, and clearly (if the interrogators were to be trusted) , there were resolutions to be made post-haste.  

But there I was, silent.  Not a single, solitary offering to add to the collection of fault-acknowledging, shame-avowing, change-necessitating resolutions.  

Oh no!  Much to the chagrin of those doing the asking, I was completely without answer.  And without intention.  

Because, you see, I had resolved to not make any resolutions.  

(Thus, avoiding quite neatly the after-new-year,  mid-March slump when realization hits that once again, you've slid off course.)

Instead, this go round, I had decided to make a list not of changes to be made but rather, of changes that had been made.  A bullet-point collection of lessons learned, skills acquired and traits developed.

And having done so one quiet afternoon last week while the bitter cold seeped in through cracks,  making steam rise from my lukewarm coffee and my son was busy with his own project (carefully cutting out the custom 3D printed Transformers that had *made* his Christmas this year), I was ready to bid adieu to 2017 in all of its messy, tempestuous glory.  

In fact, I breathed an actual sigh of relief...shoulders rising and falling with that one deep breath, knowing that at long last, this year was coming to a close.  

This year, this 2017 on its way out, had been far more me-altering than any resolution I could have made.  This almost-over year had been the one to dismantle, reconfigure and refine me in ways I hadn't known were necessary.  

And as I looked at my list, carefully handwritten and ready to be filed away, I read past the summaries and realized I'd written down a list of things I used to know and had forgotten.

One:  Doubt is always louder than instinct:

Plug your ears, close your eyes, and listen for that quiet voice that knows what to do next.

Two:  Friendship, the real deal, exists in the silence:

It's the silent comfort that doesn't seek to advise or distract.

It's the silent acknowledgement that you are heard and understood.

It's the silent touch of a trusted hand when your foot slips.

Three:  If you want something done right, do it yourself:

Delegating can be disastrous.  

Sharing responsibility is less about shared effort and more about shared credit. 
The team you build for any project will only ever be as strong as its weakest individual.

Four:  The most necessary messages are the ones that are actively being silenced.

Speak up. Speak out. 

And when silenced, find another way.  

Five:  If you build it, someone will try to knock it down.

The moment you achieve something, you'll know it to be true...because you'll notice someone else coming along behind you trying to dismantle it.

Six:  If you are trying to spark change, be prepared to get burned.

No matter how good your intent, how hard your work or how tireless your effort, you will be accused of the very opposite at every step along the way.

People fear change because it is without limit or structure, because it can grow exponentially and redefine reality.  That very fear sparks defense, and often that defense is offensive reaction.

Seven: Hope never dies.

There will never come a day, no matter the circumstances or tribulations, where you are wholly jaded...wholly hopeless.  Even at your lowest point or weakest moment, there will be that little voice that says "keep going". 

Listen to it.

And you'll find yourself clearing the hurdle and leaving the ruin behind.

Eight:  Say "I'm sorry" to yourself.

It's the most important apology you will ever make.

Nine:  If it doesn't bring you joy, don't bring it along.

Stop carrying the old wounds, old hurts and old shames into each new day.  Allow yourself to forgive and forget...not only the one who hurt you, but the way it made you feel.  

Ten:  The only opinions that matter are those that come from the people who matter to you.

So often, I allow this one to be a "do as I say, not as I do" lesson, speaking the words to my son in his moments of hurt or embarrassment.  But this year, I've rediscovered that part of me that knew to let the chaff blow away like so much useless talk. 

I'll file this list of mine away, stuck between copies of wishlists and holiday menus.  And likely in years to come, I'll see it again and be reminded of how it felt to be at this point of my story.  But for now, as I sit here sipping my coffee and trying to "write out" the indefinable and inexpressible, I hope that these new reminders of old understandings will stick with me this time round and that I'll carry them all into this new year.

~Leanna