..my worst enemy...

I have an acquaintance who is trapped.

Trapped in a cycle.

Trapped by herself. 

The most innocent of querys , the "how are you?" triggers her spiral of negativity.  At one point in time I saw her on a weekly basis.  Every week I would ask, and every week I would listen.  For a long while, her responses triggered in me sympathy and empathy and a desire to assist. But as weeks turned into months and then into years, I began to get frustrated.

Frustrated because it seemed to be a one-way street.  Frustrated because I was taking on the role of sounding board. Frustrated because there was never any follow through to an extensive conversation. Frustrated by the repetition. 

It was becoming a waste. Not just a waste of time or of energy.  But also a waste of concern, because I was putting an emotional investment into her and allowing for her stress to worry me.  I thought I was being a good friend.  I really did believe that my concern was warranted and necessary. 

But what I was doing was putting energy into worrying about things that did not involve me and that could not be resolved by me.

Because she is not me. We're not made up the same way. One of us rises to challenges and the other trembles before them.

Everything overwhelms her.

Work is overwhelming.

Not enough work is stressful. Too much work is stressful.

Responsibility is overwhelming.

Paying bills is stressful. Saving money is stressful.

Relationships are overwhelming.

Family is stressful. Friends are stressful.

Independence is stressful. Lack of independence is stressful. Parenting is stressful. Being someone's child is stressful. Making a choice is stressful.  Admitting failure is stressful. Wanting success is stressful. Organizing is stressful. Cleaning is stressful. Messes are stressful. Schedules are stressful.  Free time is stressful.

Everything. Overwhelms. Her. 

After years of listening and caring and offering suggestions, I felt myself disconnect.  I had my own stressors. I had my own difficulties and problems and challenges.  But I rarely broached any of them with her, because there wasn't really any point. I already knew she was not the sort to rejoice in my triumphs or share in my burdens. It wasn't as though she had the ability to lessen my load.  More importantly, she didn't seem to have the ability to empathize.  Rather, any mention on my part of something I may have been having difficulty with, sparked a twisting of the focus back onto her.  So where was the point in opening up? If my admission of having a problem was dismissed-was reworded into being her problem-what should I do but remain silent?  I found myself staring into this abyss. Every conversation followed the same patterns. Every conversation was tailored around her self-importance. 

That's what it was.

Self-importance.

All the stress. All the problems. All the drama. All the angst.

Self-importance. 

Whether consciously or not, she was creating this world within the framework of our relationship in which she alone mattered.

I am a helper. I'm a fixer. I'm a brainstormer. I like challenges. I like solutions even more.

Because of that-because of all those facets of me-it took me far longer than it should have to realize how unsubstantial I really was in her life. 

Years. It took years. 

To realize that she was trapped. 

To realize that I had gone ahead and thrown myself into her trap. 

Because nothing had changed.  All the time and effort and concern that I had put in had effected  no change at all.  Books I had lent-suggestions I had made-all collecting dust. All a waste. Were I to call today...this very minute...and ask "how are you?" the answer would be the same as the first time. 

I was absolutely, positively, and thoroughly unsubstantial.

Because her walls were impregnable.  Built stone by stone to trap her in her comfortable stress and bar the possibilities from entering. No one could really reach her. The surprise realization that she didn't want to be reached. She didn't want to be rescued. She didn't want help at all.

What she wanted was investment into her own self-importance.

And for a while, I had been an investor.  I had poured in my time and energy and concern. And consciously or not, she had reveled in it.  Here I was.  Here I was shoring up her walls. Here I was asking the question that sparked the conversation that fed the dysfunction.

Until I realized what was happening. Until I disconnected.  Until I learned to tamp down my concern long enough for it to fade.  Until I stayed the hand that would've picked up the phone and dialed the number and asked "how are you doing?".

I escaped from her trap. I climbed back out of that which I had thrown myself into.

I escaped from my own trap.

In realizing how unsubstantial-how insubstantial I was in her life, I finally saw the wallls that made up the trap I was in.  

My own self-importance that fed solely on assisting others whilst ignoring myself.  

My trap built stone by stone of worrying about things I couldn't change while ignoring the things I could change. 

And outside the walls? 

My worst enemy.

My worst fear.

My guilt. 

My inability to forgive myself. My failure. My mistakes. My wrong choices. 

My worst enemy had built those walls. She had trapped me in so effectively I hadn't even realized I was trapped. Until I escaped. Until I saw her outside the walls.  Until I saw myself and what my enemy had made of me.  Until I apologized to my enemy. Until I forgave my enemy.

Until I forgave myself.

...choose to be your own best friend
instead of your own worst enemy...