...in the silence...

I don't remember sleeping.

I doze, and I drift, and on occasion I even dream.  But I'm restless and fitful and wakeful.  I startle  awake, pulse racing and heart pounding, countless times each night until finally I give up.  I have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep, so I stay up late and rise again early.  

I don't remember sleeping.

It's been years since...if ever...  Before, when I was younger, it was night terrors.  I have PTSD.  My symptoms manifest the most, it seems, when my body begins to relax.  As though exhaustion turns off the defenses in my brain...  Now these many years later, I'm accustomed to it.  My son has sleep dysfunctions as well.  So I'm forever on alert. Hyper vigilant.  Even in the dark with my eyes closed I can identify every noise and scent...  If there's any plus side to PTSD, I think it must be that - that hyper awareness.  My senses constantly sweeping for any input.  But then again, it's exhausting... 

I don't remember sleeping.

I don't remember a time  when I got the "eight hours".  I don't remember ever waking up feeling rested and rejuvenated.  How very long ago it must have been…

I don't remember sleeping.

But I know the silence.  I know the silence of long past midnight and the silence before dawn.  Those are my times.  When the world is dark and quiet...when the world is sleeping.  That time belongs to me.  That time is when I belong to myself.  

At 2 AM I've no responsibility. No one to watch out for or worry about.  No one to manage or assist. At 2 AM I don't have to pay attention.  There's no homework or housework or paperwork. 

Just. Silence.

And in the silence...

I can breathe. I can dream. I can drift off and simmer down and settle.  

In the silence, I hear music. All the music of my youth, when my dreams were within reach.  I can sing along inside my mind, with that girl I used to be. That clear, melancholy soprano.  Oh, the music. The music that was my everything. 

In the silence I return to who I was before I became who I am. I'm more than what the daylight reveals. More than the mother-the teacher-the therapist-the manager-the friend.  I am more than what I'm needed for.

In the silence the world stops. Everything and anything just drops away.  It's a dreamscape where every question can be pondered and every thought expanded.  Where one spark sets off another and everything seems so clear.  

In the silence I am safe.  There's no intrusion. There's nothing to watch out for or pay attention to.

In the silence I am content.  It is enough. I am enough.  

Soon...too soon the sound will awaken.  The sky will brighten. The world will rise. Silence will vanish and so will I.  I'll vanish into what's needed and who I'm required to be.  And it will be tiring and tiresome... It will be exhausting.  

I'll wait quietly within the chaos of my day for the night to fall and the world to sleep once more. I'll wait for the silence.  In the silence I'll rest and recharge. In the silence I'll process and heal. 

In the silence I'll live.