...how to recover...

You know that expression "hindsight is 20/20"? I'm here to tell you, it's correct.

It's so difficult...maybe impossible...to see past an emotional view when you're actually in something (whatever the something or situation may be) and get to the over-it stage.

I consider myself a pretty savvy chick. I'm generally exceptionally good at helping others in and out of situations. I'm a good listener, and a good brainstormer...I can offer sympathy, or constructive criticism, or just a cup of coffee and a shoulder to cry on. And for the most part, I'm the one my friends go to for all those things. But is it a two-way street? Not hardly!

Now before you get all up in arms and protest...let me be clear...the street is one-way, cause that's how I paved it.

I have to admit, I have an independent streak a mile wide. Friends have known me to quote "if you can't stand on your own two feet then you're just taking up space" more than once...but only about myself and my need to take care of myself. I can't explain it fully (gosh, if I could I'd probably be a motivational speaker making millions off this dreck...instead of just your kaffee-klatch blogger!) but for as long as I can remember, I've kept my inner sanctum people-free. Sort of a 'if no one gets in then I don't get hurt' policy. Which is not to say I'm some cold-hearted you-know-what. It's more a matter of not relying on anyone else when I'm vulnerable in any way. And it came about as a result of lots of damage...physical, emotional, you name it. More often than not, I've referred to myself as 'damaged goods'...a sad statement when I step back and look at it, as though I'm that unsellable item with the shattered corners and gaping holes. I let those things that had happened in my life take on a life of their own and shape who I was, taking off 10% of my value for this event, 20% for that...

Motherhood, specifically this fabulous journey of self-discovery in mothering Mister Man, has definitely rocked my core more than once. Becoming a single parent was a huge wake up call...all of a sudden I was it. If Mister Man was going to grow up healthy, happy and well-adjusted, I needed to become the person he would emulate in those patterns.

Not an easy task!

Someone asked me after a church meeting one Sunday if I thought I'd ever get married again. I'm fairly certain my answer involved the 'damaged goods' line in a 'no-one should have to take on me' sort of a way. I know my answer was a definite no. And for the most part I still feel that way. Marriage was a huge leap of faith for me...and it blew up bigtime. I don't know if I have it in me to ever attempt to trust like that again. But that's a story for another day. The real story here is how I so easily blocked myself. I mean, in one fell swoop I basically said "Don't worry about me. I'm not worth it." I let events in my life that I had little or no control over define who I was being and who I was letting others see. Here was this individual reaching out and saying it's ok to move on and I was replying with a definitive "No, I won't allow myself to".

Oh dear.

That's the thing...if you don't let others in then no one is there to point out when you're just wrong. And now looking back, of course I see the wrong-ness of all those years spent beating myself up for the way others had beaten me down.

So here's where I'm at today. I want to be a great mother. I want my son to grow up right. I want him to look back in the future and remember a childhood of joy, discovery, security and big dreams. But more than that, I want to let myself finally grow up right. I want to be the healthy, happy and well-adjusted woman who at some point was able to recover. I want to pick up the dreams I had for myself when I was 8 and 10 and 12 and finally make them come true.

And today is the day to start.

At some point you just need to say "Ok, I'm done with that now. I can move on"

...and allow the healing to happen.