...spring cleaning...

Over the last week or so my home has been undergoing renovations. No, not the large scale construction projects or one-room-at-a-time remodels. Ours has been much smaller and yet, at least in my eyes, just as major of a change. I even posted about it on Facebook! Now if that's not major... :)

So what's the change you ask?

Why, dishes, of course.

Dishes?!?

Yup, dishes.

Part of this single mom journey I'm on has meant holding on to things I might otherwise have wanted to get rid of, out of pure necessity. Things that emphasized the broken part of what has made my family. Things that held significant memories of a toxic marriage. Things that someone else had chosen. One of the good changes that came out of our move two years ago was the letting loose of some of those things. We had a huge garage sale. We listed things on Craiglist and on Freecycle. We found new happy homes for useful belongings. We filled the dumpster...several times over. And in the end I locked the door and walked to the U-Haul full of things we still needed.

So every morning for years now I've made my coffee and poured it into a blue mug...added water to instant oatmeal in a blue rimmed bowl...and shared dinner with my son on a blue plate.

Mind you, I like blue. I like blue a lot. I even joke that when people ask me what my favourite colour is I always say purple, but I should say blue...because that's what I generally buy.

But these blues...these tangible unyielding surfaces of blue...they belonged to a past I've struggled to grow out of. They were a symbol, of course, of a marriage that failed and that hurt me deeply. But more than that, they were objects that held memories...of a 'he and I' and how he chose them for 'us'. Even here in a new place all these years later I could go to take a sip and have a clear memory of him lifting the very same mug to his mouth. I could remember setting the table for dinner and how I hoped he'd like what I had prepared. And that little moment so easily could overpower me with images of how bad it became...the fear, the anger, the sorrow...

And yet, here in this new place I had made room in the cupboard for those dishes. I continued to reach for them in the morning...making my son's breakfast on a plate that the father he doesn't know chose. And finally, I just had it. The dishes had to go.

And GO they did...first onto the floor to smash into smithereens, then into the kitchen garbage...and soon thereafter to a dumpster. Gone. Just gone.

I can't explain how or why that little rebellion of disposal just freed something in me. But it sure did.

Of course, now I had thrown out the dishes. The DISHES!

Which meant...I needed to go buy dishes! Within a few days I had gone here there and everywhere in pursuit of new dishes. We ate a lot of takeout during those days! I finally settled on Bed Bath and Beyond and Mister Man assisted in the choosing. After all, these are the dishes that we are choosing for our family.

That night after Mister Man was tucked safely into bed with his own mis-matched pajama choice and his stuffies round about him, I went to work. I cleaned out the cupboard and scrubbed it bare. Carefully I lined up the new dishes and bowls and mugs and glasses. And then I stepped back. I'm fairly certain a sigh of contentment came next. There, in front of me, was a fresh start. A highly symbolic one, but oh so important.

The following morning I poured my coffee into an oversized mug...quite well suited to my caffeine addiction. I made my son's breakfast and plated it on a dish...with raised edges that help prevent some of his spills. I poured juice into a glass...with a heavy bottom that's hard to tip over. And I admired our choices as the Mister Man munched, crunched, slurped and gurgled before school.

I know it's crazy to put so much into a few simple dishes. But to me, just this once, the object was important. It's one step at a time, as it's always been. One change or lack thereof. One discard or one acquisition. But gradually, with the help of one opinionated little boy, I'm making a new life for us full of things and people and choices that are well thought out...

Curious? In the end we went with white...clean, pure white...in all kinds of funky, structural and free form patterns and pieces. We opted to mix and match among the pieces he liked and I liked. And I LOVE that we can keep adding in new things whenever necessity calls. After all, this life of ours is constantly changing...who knows what we'll need further down the line.

Besides...everything goes with white!