...the shape of things to come...

This week one of my facebook posts asked the question: "Which came first, the autistic 7 yr. old or the insomniac mom". I was referencing our current homefront struggle with sleep issues that has spun a bit out of control this week.

(A little backstory: Mister Man has, throughout his life, gone through periods of time where he won't sleep for days on end. Usually these time periods are also fraught with hyperactivity and hypo sensitivity. It happens sporadically, maybe every three or four months. And I've never yet been able to predict it or tie it down to any one cause.)

At any rate, we're in of those periods now. And let me tell you, having a very active boy still needing your attention and assistance at 4am after an already long day can be a bit hard to take.

I've had to modify my old approach from when we lived alone in Ohio, to suit where we're currently at...but feel free to picture us camped out on a stack of fluffy blankets, sipping 'Sleepytime' tea and watching 'quiet' movies into the wee hours. For added accuracy colour in the ever increasing purple-black circles under my eyes when I drag myself off the blanket-bed in the morning and grouse my way to a cup of coffee!

I've noticed this week that my former bounce-back-edness is fading. Used to be, I sort of just rolled with the punches. Sure, three days of wakefulness and trying to sleep on the floor wasn't fun by any means, but I could do it and still function.

This time 'round though...ain't a-happenin'! My whole body is feeling the lack of sleep and cushioning! Muscles ache and burn, my head is dull and roary, I'm clumsy and forgetful. Ugh!

Meanwhile, Mister Man is a veritable ball of energy and life running circles around his speed-aging Mami. :(

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Cutting to the chase here and actually breathing life into this blog post's title...this week's sleeptime shenanigans have me wondering about this whole parenting thing. Who's doing the shaping and molding here? Is it the parent who consciously chooses to direct and guide her child....or is it the child's very existence that alters a life from one course to another?

Certainly I can look at my own experience and find examples to support both hypotheses here...but my question goes deeper than what I am able to offer up. Who is being germinated here...the baby/child/young man/adult that I am raising, or the mother/employee/friend/woman that I was/am/will be.

(See? Confusion! Hence the need for backslashes!)

Used to be that the subtitles under my name were defined by what I had been working towards. Singer. Dancer. Actress. My young years and even my young adulthood were spent in a whirlwind of activity...every moment working towards what I wanted to become.

Little did I imagine at the time that something as simple as meeting my now ex-husband could knock me so far off course as to change my final destination completely.

Fast forward through all the grim and gruesome (and sometimes glorious) to the present and you'll find me a woman whose main focus involves her identity as a parent to a special needs child. Certainly I owe a great deal of credit (for my self-perceived success in my current role!) to those skills I cultivated as a young person. My creative side is the sole basis for how I approach challenges. And my love of the arts helps bring joy to the direst of circumstances. But all that acknowledged, I can say without a doubt that this is not the life I envisioned when I was young.

Motherhood has changed me. Therefore my mothering has changed. The parent I might have been is not. And it's not a static existence in this mothering aspect. It's as though the parameters are malleable...outside influences wend their way in, causing minor changes here and there, and further down the line I am something else.

Just as important...motherhood has changed me...in all areas of my life. I am a different friend/employee/person than I was.

My real curiosity is this...having noted the changes that have already occurred in these 7 years, who am I becoming? What other changes loom on the horizon?

And...how much of it can I hope to control? Do I have some hand in my own future self? Can I take in the reigns of destiny and declare who and how I want to be?

(Note: I believe I can. Let's see what happens.)