...why empty pages should stay that way...

It's a 'sit with the empty page' kind of an afternoon here.

~~~
With September just round the corner, I've dragged out everyone's planners to make sure we're all on the same page and spent the last hour or so synching up all the appointments and activities.
I've always found that while having a planner app on my phone is certainly useful on the go, I feel far more organized when I've a paper planner in front of me.

~~~

Having enforced a 'break' from homeschool/home-based therapy for July and August, I've got to get things back in order around here. We needed the break, for sure.  It just so happened to coincide with possibly the most overwhelming and stressful period in life, lately.  So, what I'd first framed as a 'break'...a 'summer vacation'...turned into just a significant reduction in practice as my energy was drained elsewhere.  Now, as I look up at the bins and boxes holding all my lesson plans and supplies, I'm forcefully tamping down feelings of mom-guilt and trying to psyche myself back up for the challenge of 'being all the things'.

~~~

All my healthy practices have run to seed.
I'm exhausted, and drained, and running on caffeine fumes.

No.

I'm running on cortisol.

And it shows.

~~~

I need to learn how to disengage.

I need to learn how to say no. 

I need to disembark from the 'stop drop and roll' routine I've been riding, of managing everyone else's crises while ignoring my own.

~~~

Empty pages.

Because making plans seems...brash...tempting of fate.

Because I can't handle anymore disappointment.

Empty pages because I need to rest.

Empty pages.

Because words untapped might rush out too quickly, too meaningfully, too truthfully...

Because I might write the anger onto the page.

Because I'd make a target of myself to turn the oncoming storm away from one who calls me sister.

~~~

My queue is full of half-formed posts.

Abandoned fits and starts, left to molder.

The problem is, one thing leads to another. One string pulls on a tangle.  One post opens up a floodgate of things I don't know how to write about...things I don't know how to feel about...things I haven't recovered from, or grown past, or healed.

~~~

I want to be selfish.

I want to set aside everyone else's need, and just curl up into a cozy tangle and sleep until I'm rested.