...4 (in days gone by)...

In Days Gone By:
12. September.2021

Some among you here reading know the story, in bits and pieces.

Some of you have walked through chapters of it with us.

Others of you know only the result of the early years of our family...know only the team of two that rebuilt atop the ashes of a violent, crushing past.

But all of you today, reading this, can celebrate in your own way as today we step into our freedom...finally!

Today everything new begins.

Yesterday, everything old finally ended. Ended...

was obliterated...

was erased...

was disowned...

was disavowed.

Yesterday, the young man I am so proud to call my son was able to confront the man who came so close to destroying us both and not only put voice to the long-silent emotions of what he endured, but also firmly say "No more!".

Yesterday, Johannes...18 and every inch the young man who has risen so far beyond every challenge he's been presented with, made the decision for us both and for his loved ones...his grandmother and his half-siblings...and, having finally "had his say", permanently excised the excruciating weight that has been his 'deadbeat dad' from our life. Having the opportunity to finally say whatever he wanted, he proved himself the far better man, exercising restraint. Instead of lashing out, he was clear and precise. A declaration of strength...an acknowledgement of the hurt and shame he had felt...a strongly worded demand that he never be contacted again...and that Christian stop using him and his siblings to drum up pity and charity.

(As I have said before, there are some words that exist only for those moments of intense emotion...and, in my opinion, while inappropriate in regular conversation, are the only way to fully communicate absolute rage and disgust.)

His words were forceful...his language carefully chosen to exact the result he wanted. And in the end, after demanding his due, Johannes had the final word.

Some 16+ years after first filing for a restraining order, we are both finally able to walk away cleanly...never again having to acknowledge this wretched creature, or feel dragged down by the burden of his chaos and sickness and threats.

As I typed so joyfully but a few years ago, "they are all safe"...and now it is even more true.

My stepchildren are flourishing in a stable, safe and secure home...surrounded by a family that has chosen to come together to raise them up in love and support. We have built solid bridges to one another. Johannes has safely reached the age of majority...the threat of custody or visitation no longer keeps me from exhaling.

The threat has dissolved into yesterday.

Last night I sat with my eldest son and we breathed in the relief denied to us these many years. We felt our shoulders relax and our senses mute a bit from what had become an all too familiar alert to impending doom. We spoke freely...the words and emotions pouring out...and then let them melt away, with no need to take it all back up again.

I told him, laughingly but earnestly, "You are my hero.", and how I admired his ability to strongly and eloquently say the things that needed to be said. I told him that what I had wanted for him all those years ago, was finally his. Freedom. The ability to walk away. The time to be done carrying the shame of having had Christian for a father (a word Johannes never allowed, but the biological relationship nonetheless) and disavow any tie. Here...now...it was his. It was mine.

Johannes answered back, "I am my mother's son."

And so he is.

But he is so much more. He is who he has chosen to be...he is the product of his own choices: to rise above, to be empathetic, to love. He is the product of bearing witness to what Christian has done and choosing to do the opposite every time. He is my hero.

Yesterday, we cleaned house. We settled our accounts in a way.

Particularly me.

Typing into my final text that I didn't even mind the wasted time~money~energy~etc...because it served as proof to me of my having done all that I could.

Knowing my words wouldn't cut through the haze of drugs and lies and ego, and knowing also that it no longer mattered to me whether or not they did.

I have done all I could.

I have sacrificed all I am willing to.

I am settled.

I am at peace.

Yesterday, we washed our hands. We stopped the infection that is his disgusting life, from spreading any further into ours. We dreamt up the 'what ifs and whens' of moving forward. We marveled at the fact that sweet Henri will never have to know our pain and stress over that man. We cleansed ourselves of all the insidious thoughts and feelings that inviting his damage in had created.

Yesterday, we cut off the rot.

Today, we celebrate.

Today, we are our own.

Today, I am mother to two remarkable boys I've given birth to and step-mother to two equally remarkable children who have grown in my heart.

I am not the ex-wife...

the estranged spouse..

the maligned...

the abused...

the terrified...

the victim.

I am not broken.

I am not even the survivor.

Today I am what I chose all those years ago when I finally got up the courage to save us.

I am one who overcame.

And today? Today Johannes is MY son...100%. Belonging to no one but himself. Worthy and loved and wholly his own man. He is who he chooses to be. He never needs to feel the burden of Christian again. He is safe.

Today, we celebrate. We eat cake...literally...because if ever there was a moment to savor and laugh through and feast over, it is this. We'll sit around the table, our cobbled together family of four, and revel in the lightheartedness. We'll make plans, and tell stories, and crack jokes. We'll make a mess and clean it up.

And in the months to come, I'll set aside the money to hire the lawyer and the process server and pay the fees. I'll come to terms with my own irritation at, having already carried the financial burden all these years, I've to do it one final time. I'll justify it, in time, as the greatest gift I've ever given myself.

We are finally able to turn our backs completely on the monster.

Free.

12. September. 2021