...the normals...

Parents raising special-needs kids live in a world of words.  Our heads are like data hubs...full to the brim of specialized terminology and acronyms.  Special-ed parent groups like the ones I've run provide members with worksheets to fill a notebook...all chock full of enough terms and definitions to write a dictionary sequel.  In fact, that's how they're "marketed"...as the special-needs parent dictionary...all the terms you need to know to make it through meetings/appointments/appeals/mediation.  

We sit in meetings and conferences-read studies and articles and blogs-we let our data hubs run wild, collecting every word that we might need.  We learn, quite quickly, that words are power.  The right word for the right request at the right time garners our child(ren) the right services and supports.

We understand that words can appease-can incite-can emote-can identify.

As special-needs parents, we understand that last one deep within us...to our very bones.

We understand that words can identify.

Can divide.

Can exclude.  

We understand that words can make Us separate from Them.

A parent shared with me this anecdote recently.  She works in a nearby district's BOE office and received a phone call from a concerned parent regarding a recent bus-route change that involved the provision of transportation for a special-ed student.  The parent in question was "filing a complaint", so to speak, as she felt the change was adding undue time and inconvenience to her child's bussing schedule.  Complaint box open-all well and good-file at will.  Then the moment...

Continuing in her complaint, she decried the change, stating it was unfair that the normal kids be put out for the special-ed student's transportation needs.  

Ah, normal.

Let me digress(somewhat) for a moment and talk about my relationship with that word.  I loathe it.  In a...with every breath in my body, every fiber in my being...kind of a way.  Loathe it!  Normal, as far as I'm concerned, is the most elitist, exclusive, excusive word in the dictionary.  It's very existence promotes the idea that we should all divide down the line...

Normals over here/Abnormals over there

Normal is dismissive, and diminishing.  Normal is fault-finding and failure-insinuating.  It's this horrendous, thoughtless, sensitivity-free tool whereby individuals humble and belittle one another.  It's the very thing that reduces each person's unique gifts to garbage, and defines their beautiful differences as disorderly.  Worse yet, it is the basis for excusing hostility, indifference and bullying.  

Normal.

If it is to be believed that normalcy exists, then that very assertion identifies others as abnormal.  But more so, it asserts that only select individuals can fall into the category of normalcy. No doubt, only those who check off all the boxes in a very specific set of parameters.   Where then does that leave everyone else?  

My Native-American lineage shows in my complexion. It's darker than my neighbor's, but lighter than my friend's.  Which of us is normal?

I have musical talent, but no head for complex math.  One acquaintance is an accountant, who plays guitar in a band.  One cousin couldn't find the right pitch if her life depended on it.  Which of us is normal?

My son has autism, has olive skin, plays the cello, solves complex equations in his head.  His classmates are classified, or not, or simply not-yet diagnosed.  His classmates are Caucasian, or not, or half.  His classmates are in band/orchestra/chorus, or not, or maybe they sing in the shower.  His classmates are math-wizzes, or failing pre-algebra, or averaging "Cs" in average classes.  Which of them is normal?

Of myself, my neighbor and my friend...which of us is abnormal?

Of myself, my acquaintance, and my cousin...which of us is abnormal?

Of my son and his classmates...which of them is abnormal?

Or, put more plainly (as the word abnormal has the power to identify) which is more deserving of being excluded, ostracized, denied those rights and services provided for those who are normal? 

So let's go back to that anecdote, shall we?  The parent caller was identifying her child as normal, and the special-ed child as abnormal...as a device to diminish one child's rights to fair and equal treatment.  What was the goal?  To remove the special-ed student from the bus so as to lessen the burden for the caller's child.

The burden? A few minutes longer on the bus ride.

A few minutes longer on a bus ride to insure that a member of the school's student population could receive the safe transport he or she is entitled to as part of what that school district offers to all students.

All of it's normal students.  Those who fit the parameters the school district has set.  Likely, based on distance from school.  Status of attendance at school (defined loosely as full-time attendee vs. receiving in-home services).  Or perhaps, a service provided to all student attendees no matter their home address or attendance status.  But nowhere defined as a preferential service catering to normal students with preference given to those who are not receiving special-education services. 

This acquaintance of mine who was sharing this anecdote is also a special-needs parent.  (Imagine that...it's like we have a club or something!) She finished her story by sharing her frustration as she attempted to appropriately do her job while also advocating for her...my...our...all children...correcting gently with "general ed" instead of "normal".  Knowing that her minor intercession...her attempt to advocate and illuminate and generate a more inclusive mindset, fell on deaf ears.   Knowing full well, as I do, that in a world where the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, there are far too many parents raising up future adults to believe that there is a divide of normalcy/abnormalcy between them and those special-needs individuals inhabiting their world...their schools...their workplaces.

She and I spoke further, both allowing our frustration to bubble up and over (Because it needs to, sometimes.  Because we can't just hold it in all the time and "rise above". )  We relished in the time we had, as like-minded Mama Bears, to exercise our vocabulary and excorcise our ongoing irritation with a normal society that diminishes our children and declares them Not Normal.  

Maybe it's us.  Maybe we parents are the ones who just don't get it.  Here we are, looking at our kids...our special-ed kids...and we see normal.  We see everyday life.  We see homework and grading, due dates and transportation.  We deal with teachers.  We worry about friendships and bullies.  We are doing what you are doing...even if we're doing it differently or on a different schedule.  And our kids?  They're out there being kids, just like your kids are. 

She and I, and all the other special-needs parents out there in your world...your schools...your workplaces...we're wishing and praying and hoping, beseeching and pleading, demanding and fighting for our children to be recognized as part of:

Part of the world.

Part of the school.

Part of the workplace.

Part of normal.

Because...heads up...they already are!  

~Leanna