...clean slate...

and I, for one, am thoroughly done with not being enough!

ready...

set...

Jump!

Here I am...back again once more...not that there's anyone left still reading to have noticed my return after such a prolonged absence.  This blog's been on mute for far to long I'm sure.  Why just look at the preceding post.   January 6th.  January 6th?  And here it is, Friday the 13th...of July!  Clear evidence to support the claim that once you fall out of the habit of doing something routinely (exercise, education, etc... blogging) it's so very much more difficult to take it back up again. 

(my calves wholeheartedly agree...as I've been attempting to regain my prior flexibility as part of my personal summer fitness challenge)

The thing about writing...particularly in a public forum...is that if you force it to adhere to a set of guidelines (even if you yourself created those very guidelines) , eventually not only do you begin to lose your own unique voice, but also the actual creative desire.  I've spent my life writing, so far as I can recall.  Scraps of paper, to full-blown journals ~ classroom assignments to unfinished novels ~ published poems and short stories ~ to books I've written for my son.  And years ago...this...  And it's this that has proven to be a struggle.  It's an awkward pull between authenticity and privacy, open-ness and embarrassment.  And of course, in this corner of the world called blogging...a raging inferiority complex.  

I'm fairly certain (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong) that the majority of readers here at Confessions of the Caffeinated are, in fact, people who know me...IRL.  And while it's all well and good that y'all are reading along...the truth is, most of this was never meant for you.  This...this little corner of my world...was for someone else...or someone elses...  Why read here what you could converse with me about...face to face or over the phone?  At some point, this blog of mine grew up and out from simply being a place to update those I already knew with pictures and blurbs...to a solitary corner in which to 'write myself out'...and finally into something of an open-ended conversation with an unknown audience. 

Of course, that's just about when I threw in the towel.  Because you  see, when you go from 'writing yourself out' ~ from that vital surge of creativity that simply needs to find an outlet ~ to the ridiculous aspiration of tailoring your words to suit the unknown entity of an audience of strangers, you may as well throw in the towel ~ because you've already lost what you were after.  

It's trite and saccharine...but true nonetheless...

I am unique.

 I'm not content with simply being more of the same.

Embracing your own unique style...whether that applies to writing or clothing or life...is, I think, something of an uphill battle against the message of conformity and desire for acceptance.  In order to live the life that is your own and not just walk in the footsteps of others,  you have to get in the practice of thoughtful intent...carefully assessing whether your desire to do something stems from your own inner wish or an external pressure to do as the masses do. 

Finding yourself is, I believe, the one true lifelong quest for the holy grail... 

Ever moving, ever changing, ever just beyond reach...

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Back in action,

~Leanna